Today is the day our beautiful little girl should have been due but instead she has been part of our world for 12 whole days.
12 days we’ve loved her, 12 days we have all doted on her, only 12 days and yet already it feels like she’s never not been part of our lives.
Having said all that it’s also been 12 days of an incredible emotional rollercoaster.
Tiredness is crippling, not starting well with having been awake over 29 hours before she even entered the world and trying to establish a routine that suits everyone is really hard, not made any easier by the fact we are all still couped up in a one bedroom flat.
The guilt I feel where DS is concerned can be all consuming at times. I feel he’s constantly being told to be careful around DD, to not be too noisy, to not be too playful, to be more grown up than he is simply because he now has a baby sister and I’m desperate for him to not feel that she is the reason his life is now different.
Don’t get me wrong he is incredible with her. He dotes on her and regularly comes and sits next to her and tells her how much he loves her. He gently rubs her cheek and head when she cries or wakes up. He’s desperate to help in anyway and is fiercely protective of her. When she had her heel prick test he kept either telling the midwife to leave his sisty alone, or hiding under the desk, blocking his ears because he was concerned for her wellbeing and didn’t like to hear her cry.
He’s not once shown any animosity towards her, nor jealousy, just love and affection and I couldn’t be prouder of him.
I thought I would struggle to find enough love to share between the two of them, I never thought for a moment I could love him any more than I already did but there it is, mounting up like a volcano ready to explode.
I’m hoping as I recover more fully, my hormones settle down and OH is back at work things will start slipping into place.
Barring the less than ideal sleeping arrangements if trying to get four of us asleep in the same room without one or the other waking the rest up she actually does good.
Peanut and I sleep in the lounge and although settling her in her crib is hit or miss when she is asleep (what’s new) she has massive blocks of sleep throughout the night, waking between 2 and 3 times.
She was actually a bit slow on the uptake where feeding is concerned which was totally different to DS but she’s getting there. She doesn’t feed for as long as DS did and doesn’t tend to suckle for comfort either which is different too. That being said she didn’t gain any weight in the 3 days between heel prick test and MW sign off at 10 days but she didn’t seem overly concerned.
Barring hormones and tiredness I’m doing ok. I’m recovering well all the usual birthing aches and pains have now subsided. Stitches are still a little tender but not as painful. Grazing had now cleared up and piles have subsided greatly. Boobs are holding out ok so far and no real issues since when my milk first came in and DD wasn’t draining them properly.
I’ll be happier when we get some sort of routine established but I’m figuring that may take a little more time and won’t be able to properly do until OH is back at work and working away again which is next week. I’m not entirely sure as to whether I’m looking forward to it or dreading it, I wish I had some form of support network but then I’ve always wished that and it’s something that I can’t have so just need to ‘man-up’ and get on with it.
It won’t last forever and I know that it’ll be a blink of an eye before DD is DS’ age and he will be at school and I’ll be yearning for these early days once more and wishing I could do it all over again.