Not Forgotten

I haven’t forgotten this blog, I promise.

Life with a newborn and a toddler (and a partner at home for 2.5 weeks) has just taken up all of my time.

I’m still in the process of writing my birth story which I’ll upload in a couple of days, I just need to read it through and tweak it having written most in the middle of the night so spelling errors and gobbledegook are certain currently.

Needless to say, 3 Weeks to the day since we were blessed with our gorgeous little girl, we are still utterly besotted and still figuring out some sort of new routine that provides everyone with the time they need.

On a side note… we should be moving house next Friday!!!!! FINALLY!!!!

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Happy Due Day

Today is the day our beautiful little girl should have been due but instead she has been part of our world for 12 whole days.

12 days we’ve loved her, 12 days we have all doted on her, only 12 days and yet already it feels like she’s never not been part of our lives.

Having said all that it’s also been 12 days of an incredible emotional rollercoaster.

Tiredness is crippling, not starting well with having been awake over 29 hours before she even entered the world and trying to establish a routine that suits everyone is really hard, not made any easier by the fact we are all still couped up in a one bedroom flat.

The guilt I feel where DS is concerned can be all consuming at times. I feel he’s constantly being told to be careful around DD, to not be too noisy, to not be too playful, to be more grown up than he is simply because he now has a baby sister and I’m desperate for him to not feel that she is the reason his life is now different.

Don’t get me wrong he is incredible with her. He dotes on her and regularly comes and sits next to her and tells her how much he loves her. He gently rubs her cheek and head when she cries or wakes up. He’s desperate to help in anyway and is fiercely protective of her. When she had her heel prick test he kept either telling the midwife to leave his sisty alone, or hiding under the desk, blocking his ears because he was concerned for her wellbeing and didn’t like to hear her cry.

He’s not once shown any animosity towards her, nor jealousy, just love and affection and I couldn’t be prouder of him. 

I thought I would struggle to find enough love to share between the two of them, I never thought for a moment I could love him any more than I already did but there it is, mounting up like a volcano ready to explode.

I’m hoping as I recover more fully, my hormones settle down and OH is back at work things will start slipping into place.

Sleep:

Barring the less than ideal sleeping arrangements if trying to get four of us asleep in the same room without one or the other waking the rest up she actually does good. 

Peanut and I sleep in the lounge and although settling her in her crib is hit or miss when she is asleep (what’s new) she has massive blocks of sleep throughout the night, waking between 2 and 3 times.

Feeding:

She was actually a bit slow on the uptake where feeding is concerned which was totally different to DS but she’s getting there. She doesn’t feed for as long as DS did and doesn’t tend to suckle for comfort either which is different too. That being said she didn’t gain any weight in the 3 days between heel prick test and MW sign off at 10 days but she didn’t seem overly concerned.

Me:

Barring hormones and tiredness I’m doing ok. I’m recovering well all the usual birthing aches and pains have now subsided. Stitches are still a little tender but not as painful. Grazing had now cleared up and piles have subsided greatly. Boobs are holding out ok so far and no real issues since when my milk first came in and DD wasn’t draining them properly.

I’ll be happier when we get some sort of routine established but I’m figuring that may take a little more time and won’t be able to properly do until OH is back at work and working away again which is next week. I’m not entirely sure as to whether I’m looking forward to it or dreading it, I wish I had some form of support network but then I’ve always wished that and it’s something that I can’t have so just need to ‘man-up’ and get on with it.

It won’t last forever and I know that it’ll be a blink of an eye before DD is DS’ age and he will be at school and I’ll be yearning for these early days once more and wishing I could do it all over again.



Day Six

Midwife rang this morning, finally, and asked that we go up to see her at midday for the Day 5 (go figure) heel prick test and other matters.

DD was feeding when the ‘deed’ was done and it didn’t go down too well. DS barely reacted but he bled well so minimal intervention was required, DD on the other hand wasn’t giving up her claret easily meaning lots of foot squeezing which just added insult to injury. DS wasn’t impressed at all that the MW had hurt his sisty and either put a protective hand on her head, told the MW to stop or hid under the table blocking his ears… he is such a caring little boy it makes my heart bleed.

After the appointment we went up to the Garden Centre for lunch and softplay. Afterwards we did their Easter Clue Hunt and DS won a Teddy and some chocolate eggs.

Baby:

She did good last night. Cluster fed from about 2030-2300 but then slept until 3 then from 4-6. I’d forgotten how draining cluster feeding is.

Umbilical site looks good.

Nappies still urite clear and she’s having plenty of wet nappies and passing plenty of stools.

Weight: 7Ib 15oz meaning she has dropped half of what they consider normal, this is good considering she barely fed for the first couple of days.

Me:

Woke with enormous feet again. Need to suss out this sleeping malarkey to prevent this.

Bleeding minimal now, turning watery and slowing down

MW checked stitches and all is knitting well down there, barring one small area hence the discomfort.

Usual questions were asked to assess for PND and a revelation hit… she asked whether I had a wobble when my milk came in to which I replied no, then it occurred to me that this was the same night I broke down because of my guilt over DS, so that explains that massive wobble.

On the subject of mood I am actually ok, despite being tired and sore I’m absolutely fine. Probably helped by the amazing weather we’ve been privvy too. It’s nice to get out and about for walks with the whole family.

Visitors: Granny and Grandad 

Day Five

It’s Good Friday today so we decided to have a family outing to a local(ish) Easter Egg Hunt at a garden centre in Lifton. Met up with Gemma and her family and Kate and hers so it was a fantastic day for the kids.

It was brilliant. DS had such an amazing time, he loved the tractor and trailer ride and excitedly ran around the woods collecting the eggs. DD spent the time sleeping in her carrier barring one woodland feed break. 

The journey home however was interesting as she decided that was the time to have a cluster feed, so three stops and 2 hours later we managed to travel the 40 minute journey home.

On arrival we had a visit from OHs work colleague who bought an Easter egg for DS and a cutie little dress and legging set for DD, her very first dress!

Baby: 
Normal poos at last 

Umbilical hanging on by a thread… came off by evening… yay! DS is so desperate to help change her nappy and we’re waiting for the cord to heal before letting him loose.

Cluster feeding has taken hold and I’d forgotten how exhausting it is.

Me:


The hunger has started, oh my word. To the point of the shakes and sweats and I NEED to eat.

Still moderate bleeding

Grazing appears to have gone, atleast it doesn’t sting to pee anymore, though stitches site still appears sore.

Piles, well let’s just say they’re still causing issues

Legs have finally stopped aching and the only residual ache I now have are in my shoulders and hand where the cannula had caused a significant bruise

Cold still going strong

Still thoroughly enjoying having thick hair and strong nails

I settled DS at bedtime tonight which was good for both us, I feel so guilty at the moment as he has been my main focus for 3.5 years and now suddenly I barely have time for a cuddle.

Visitors: Paul (OH’s work colleague), Granny and Grandad

Day Four

Still no contact from the midwives.

Met up with the in-laws for brunch at our favourite cafe.

Big news of day is that we announced Peanut’s name. I desperately wanted it to be finalised today as it’s the anniversary of my mums death and finally pinned OH down to settling on it.

He’s been so childish about the whole announcement thing and finally discovered it’s because everyone is pushing for the name so he was fighting against them. I informed him that we can’t keep it secret forever and what he’s doing is ridiculous and I want to register her before she’s 18. Our friend Kate was here at the time so she was the first to officially know (Auntie and Gemma knew the name a while ago but it wasn’t set in stone)

Baby:

Still passing Meconium poos.

Cluster feeding has started but thankfully it’s early evening so bareable, plus this means she’s sleeping fairly decent blocks of sleep through the night.

Umbilical cord still attached.

Still suffering from mild jaundice so am putting her to sleep by the window whilst the weather isn’t great.

Me: 

My milk is most definitely in. My boobs have gone from a C cup to a FF in like 12 hours. She isn’t feeding like DS did so I feel extremely engorged so am massaging them regularly to try and decrease risks of blocked ducts, they are so tender and of course this means I’m banging them a LOT. A bit worried as to why she isn’t feeding but she is having plenty of wet nappies so I’m going by that for now.

Had a massive emotional wobble last night as I went in to transfer DS into bed whilst he slept and sat on his bed sobbing because I miss spending those last few minutes of his day talking to him and cuddling him and singing to him until he falls asleep. I feel awfully guilty that he is now no longer my soul focus, I feel sorry for him. He’s such a kind and lovely little boy, so kind and caring and has handled all this in such an amazing way I’m blown away and can’t help but feel an element of grief for what he has now lost. Ridiculous I know, just can’t seem to help it.

Still aching like crazy and working on my pelvic floor.

Blood flow, medium to heavy.

Visitors: Kate, Granny and Grandad

Day Three

Not a lot done today. Just a day of trying to rest whilst doing the washing and other dull household chores. It’s at times like this my Mum would be here doing it all for me so I could rest but hey ho, have to stop thinking about the ‘what ifs’, I’m on my own and need to just accept that and get on with it. You should feel very lucky if you have parents that help you out with your children because it’s bloody hard when you don’t have a support network, bloody hard!

OH took DS swimming for a couple of hours meaning I could get some rest (catching up on laundry, housework and phonecalls namely).

Am amazed we have only had 1 card so far and that was from Gemma. It is true what they say about second babies… nobody seems to give a hoot, except us of course.

Visitors included Gemma bearing more gifts, Caroline, Granny and grandad. 

Baby:

Thanks to the urites and my panic feeding DD cluster fed all day today thus bringing my milk in. So much easier to deal with in the day unlike DS who did it at night. By the last nappy change of the day it was urite free!!!

This meant she didn’t have a bad night at all, unlike DS her turn around is a lot longer, but she’s not waking as often. Not sure which way I prefer it to be fair.

Umbilical cord drying out slowly

First top and tail today went down like a lead balloon, she did NOT find it enjoyable despite the best efforts of DS to distract her. He’s such a sweetheart.

Me: 

Another successful poo down. Piles still horrific so just letting nature take it’s course, so to speak

Stitches and grazes are stinging like crazy so am having to sluice with water at the same time as peeing to ease the pain.

Woke up with really swollen feet, due to sleeping upright on sofa, will try and remember to elevate legs in future.

Muscles still feeling the labour. Arms, shoulders and legs still horrifically fatigued. Jaw ache has dissipated though.

Blood flow still medium to heavy.

Day Two

The first night at home was interesting and needs some work to improve things, namely sleeping arrangements. This isn’t ideal with four of us in one bedroom so I ended up, fairly early, on the sofa with DD in Moses basket whilst OH and DS stayed in bedroom. This is far from ideal and means I’ll be sleeping on the sofa which won’t aid my healing process in the slightest.

Got fed up waiting for a phone call from the MW so took DS out. We popped into OHs work first to show off the children to the office who all doted on her, and paid extra attention to DS so he didn’t feel left out at all, ironically he didn’t like this and just wanted to be left alone with me and Daddy’s office chair. 

After this we went and had lunch and a play at softplay where DS ran off his energy. Every child that was in there he introduced himself too and wanted to tell them he had a baby sister, my heart broke because none of them were interested (being toddlers themselves) and just kept ignoring his pleas to just come and have a look. He was getting so frustrated about it and I could VERY nearly have cried. Why are children such knobs? I just wanted them to acknowledge what he was saying to them instead of staring blankly back at him. Gah, my hormones!

Got home about 3 to find 2 missed calls from MW, finally got to speak to her at about 4.30, not that it was one of our midwives of course.

She said that their contact with a second baby is less than the first but that they would atleast ring everyday to check all was well and my MW would be in touch to organise Day 5 heel prick test.

Visitors: Granny and Grandad

Baby:

She is doing ok, latching on well but still not feeding for long despite my best encouragement techniques, she is only having 1-2 wet nappies a day too but she is pushing through the meconium so won’t panic, just yet!

Looking a little jaundice today so will endeavour to get her in the sun to break it up a bit.

Got totally freaked out today about the amount of discharge DD has and also found blood in her nappy, convinced myself she somehow got thrush from me, or something worse until I googled it and found that this is all totally normal in female babies, apparently the blood is like a little period because she has so many of my hormones in her system.

Cue relief.

By the end of the day she had orange bits in her nappy which I discovered, on googling, were urate crystals due to dehydration!!!! Cue me panic feeding every hour!

Me:


Still brutally sore. All limbs and joints ache plus cold has stepped up a gear which is like adding insult to injury.

Passed a blood clot last night of significant size and since this my stitches are causing me a fair amount of discomfort. Told MW but she said even if I’d popped a stitch they wouldn’t do anything and left it at that!!!!

Despite diligent use if Lansinoh my nipples are chapping, this baby has very sharp little gums.

Diligently working on my pelvic floor in the hope that it won’t feel like my womb or bowel (or both) is going to drop out of me at the slightest jolt or cough.

Still get quite painful contractions on feeding but am well aware that this is totally normal and trying to convince myself that it isn’t an affection lol.

Day One

I was going to post the first week as one post but once I pieced it together I figured it’d be a monster so have separated it into days so prepare to be spammed.

Day 1: 

As expected not much sleep was had last night. The lady in the bed opposite is needing help from lactation consultant at every feed meaning voices and alike every couple of hours. Peanut also had a finicky stage between midnight and 0130 which was a bit of a shock. DS did nothing but feed and sleep so this is all very different and new.

Looking forward to seeing DS when he comes in later this morning. I miss him so much and can’t stop crying thinking about him and worried that he feels I’ve abandoned him.

Still extremely achy and finding it hard to walk, or move at all more specifically.

I made sure OH warned me when he was nearly here as my SIL told me to insure I was baby free when he arrived so he didn’t have to wait for a cuddle so on arrival he threw himself into my arms for the biggest cuddle EVER.

I made such a fuss over him and all he wanted to do was see his baby sister. He is such a cutie, so caring and loving, my heart explodes.

We sent him on a little treasure hunt to find a present that the baby had brought with her, his face was a picture when he opened it and it kept him busy for the rest of the day until I got discharged. He also made a big deal about giving the baby the bunny comforter that he chose for her.

I worried so much about how I would manage to love two children without the love for my eldest somehow decreasing but as it turns out my love for DS has grown, not lessened.

Baby: 
2 meconium poos today and 2 wet nappies

Latching on seems to be going well but she doesn’t feed as long as DS did at this stage, not that I’m concerned about it, I know they only need very little at this age. Will just monitor her nappies.

I have noticed she’s got a fair bit of vaginal discharge and worriedshe may have thrush or something similar but figuring it may just have something to do with swimming around in amniotic fluids for last 38 Weeks?

She had her new baby check this morning and all appears ok. They check for hip displacement, heart murmurs, lung conditions, cataracts, problems with their mouth but not for tongue tie weirdly. (Not that this is an issue as she regularly sticks her tongue out at me.)

Me:

Woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a train after running a marathon. EVERYTHING aches… Jaw, legs, arms, underarms, shoulders, hands. I also feel like the world may just drop out my vagina at any given moment given the right opportunity.

Hands still horribly swollen to the point I can’t do much with them at all, changing Peanut’s nappy is an almost impossible task, thank god the umbilical stump is still quite hardy.

I had my pre-discharge check up today too. Womb is descending nicely, stitches ok, temp ok, pulse a bit high but I feel shocking with cold so that’s no surprise.

At 1230 we finally got the all clear to leave so we packed up, got dressed and left the hospital at about 0115 to start our new lives together as a family of 4.

We arranged for OHs parents to meet the new addition when we got home, for an hour, which they did and then we tried to figure out some sort of new routine.

It’s a Girl (38 Weeks + 2)

At 9.15am on the 9th April 2017, after an hour of labour, I delivered a healthy 8Ib 4oz baby girl and I am head over heels in love with her.

I will write my birth story soon, before I forget all the details, but for now I am drowning myself in every single moment of my precious, beautiful girl and spending quality time with DS who is equally as besotted with his baby sisty.

Don’t F*ck with Nature (38 Weeks + 1)

I’ve always abided by this opinion. I rarely take medication, I try and eat as naturally as I can and I totally disagree with interfering with the way nature should work where your body is concerned.

So why the FUCK did I do it this time. Because a bloody consultant scared the shit out of us and after yesterday we now know that his opinion is NOT shared by other consultants in the same bloody hospital.

It’s been a rather eventful 12 hours. After returning home my contractions remained at 5 minutes until 2030 where I lost a gush of what I assumed was mucus plug so rang hospital to check it wasn’t waters (I know I have a lot of water and that this didn’t represent the amount I should have lost). She said to go in so they could check or wait an hour to see if contractions worsen then go in but she needed to determine whether my waters had gone or not.

After much deliberation and trying to contact community midwife to see if she could come out (unsuccessfully I may say) my waters actually broke with much mess ensuing.

Rang G to come look after DS and rang hospital To say we were coming in to which she told us not to!!!! Now she knows the waters had gone we didn’t need to go in until contractions were closer together and I couldn’t speak through the pain and to ring back in morning if there was no change. 

I tried to explain to her that load of bullshit… I was talking through all my contractions with DS until half hour before pushing. I wish that they wouldn’t say this to women. Everyone is different, everyone has different thresholds and to stop someone coming because they’re talking is ludicrous. It was because I was talking at 2 minute apart that we didn’t race to hospital quicker with DS and were only there an hour before he was born. I also explained the speed at which I progressed with DS. None of this made the blindest difference. 

We stayed at home. I continued leaking water and contracting every five minutes, sent G home and went to bed.

At 2345 I woke up and contractions were between 1 and 2 minutes apart so got up to get dressed and change pad only for everything to stop.

Haven’t had a contraction since.

Not one.

Rang first thing and she told me to ring back at midday where they may ask me to go in to be monitored and book an induction as they don’t like to let you go more than 24 hours after waters have broken.

Rang at midday and induction booked for 9pm tonight so we have to head over there an hour beforehand.

On a side note I was reading my notes from yesterday and discovered that the MW blatantly lied on my notes. See pic below:


Note boxes Fetal Heart Rate Prior To VE and Fetal Heart Rate After VE. 

Got it? 

At NO point did anyone, let alone the MW check baby’s heartrate yesterday. To say I’m angry is an understatement and I will be pointing this out to someone when we get to hospital.

So that’s that.

I wish I’d never had that bloody sweep. 

It really doesn’t pay to f*ck with nature.

13 days to go

8 hours until induction