I scarcely believe it. It’s been one heck of an emotional rollercoaster once again but still I fail to be able to relax until Peanut is safe in my arms.
As hard as I try I can’t help but have an underlying and overwhelming feeling that something is/will be wrong despite everything seemingly being ok. I suppose this is the legacy of living under the shadow of recurrent miscarriages.
I have, today for my consultants appointment through which is at hospital next Friday (7th April) at 1045 so that’ll be a cervical examination, stretch and sweep and more discussions as to what we do next.
After all my thoughts of waiting I think I’ve actually got to the point where I’ll be giving in And asking them to get this baby out of me.
Although not considered full term until 39 Weeks, I am today considered term so any extra cooking time is a good advantage to insure fully developed brain and lungs for baby.
This week Peanut weighs 6 1/3Ibs though in reality, according to scans, it’s possibly nearing 8!!!!! Vegetable of the week is a bunch of Swiss chard).
I’m doing ok. I’m uncomfortable beyond belief. But I’m doing ok. Baby’s head is well and truly rooted in my pelvis meaning I’m walking like I should be riding a horse, a very slow horse at that.
I’m still getting out of breath very quickly with no real provocation.
Insomnia seems to have plagued me for the last three nights. Once I’ve woken up for the kazillionth time to pee my mind starts and that’s it, I’ve had it.
I’ve also been struck with the most horrific Braxton Hicks. I never suffered these with DS and can’t believe how incredibly uncomfortable they are and unlike real labour they last forEVER (or so it seems).
My hands and feet continue to be puffy which again I didn’t suffer from with DS.
Leg cramps are quite severe at night. When all I want to do is have a good old stretch, I can’t without risking the most horrific spasms.
I feel like I’m on constant ‘show’ watch. I think because I’m suffering from so much discomfort I’m expecting to go into labour any time soon which is highly unlikely but I am very glad OH has stopped being on the road now.
On a plus, I’m not suffering from indigestion (though now I’ve said that….). My hair and nails are AMAZING! Everyone is telling me how well I’m looking and also speculating on the gender because of how I’m ‘carrying’ baby. They also comment how I haven’t put on weight… I think the bump is just so bloody massive it’s distracting them from my growing thighs and butt 😂
My brother has got a date through for his OBE presentation ceremony. In lieu of being able to have our parents there he has asked that my other brother and I attend in their place.
I couldn’t be more honoured and really want to go.
Problem: No under 5’s allowed, the service is 2 hours long at Buckingham Palace and Peanut will be, at the very youngest 4 Weeks old, maybe 6.
Now although I think baby will be fine if I feed it prior to entering the palace OH is freaking out.
He’s freaking out at having both children for two whole hours (how do is mother’s cope everyday on our own?). He has now started making other excuses such as cost, despite the fact he is going to bloody Wembley to watch his shit performing football team on the Sunday of the same weekend. Needless to say he hasn’t mentioned the cost of that overnight stay in London, but this one is an issue.
The fact of the matter is that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity that I don’t want to miss out on. I am immensely proud of my brother’s achievements and OH is just making it out to be this huge stressful situation that I’m already searching for excuses to get out of it.
Why can he not just man up and say ‘ok, let’s do this, I’ll be fine’ even if he thinks he won’t be?
I know this is going to cause all sorts of issues and arguments in the run up and I’m going to spend the whole ceremony stressing about it all but why should I have to forfeit something that means something to me when I haven’t done anything for myself in over three years.
Why can he not be more supportive of something that means a lot to me without making me feel guilty for wanting to do something that is potentially a little awkward?
Am I being unreasonable?
In the meantime these Braxton Hicks gave been quite intense today. I never realised how uncomfortable they are and am mightily glad to get back to my ball because of it.
(Delayed publishing due to internet issues last night.)
Short post today as I really don’t have much to say as I am just utterly exhausted, both mentally and physically.
Hands continue to be a bit puffy and spongey, mainly in the morning and noticed this evening my feet have decided it’s time for them to join the party.
Now I’m worrying about pre-eclampsia. Jeez I’m a hyperchondriac!!! I know full well that it’s usual but I can’t seem to stop my mind wandering off into these far flung lands of terrible illnesses. Luckily I have a Bp machine at home and know full well my blood pressure is fine. Atleast this stops me making humiliating ’emergency’ trips to the MW 😄.
My stomach feels like it’s going to tear open at any given moment. Walking has become more of a very slow waddle, the fact OH now walks faster than me says it all. He is firmly of the opinion that if you have a car why the heck should you walk, I am the complete opposite and regularly get told off for walking too fast, which to him is anything faster than a casual meander.
My hands are extremely swollen today, for the past few days they’ve swelled in the night but gone down during the day, today they’ve stayed fairly swollen, no doubt my feet will follow next.
This pregnancy is so totally different to DS’, I actually can’t believe how different they could be being that I am the same person.
I am actually looking forward to getting this baby out now. Don’t get me wrong I’m going to miss feeling Peanut’s gentle squirms and rolling movements as there really is nothing like it and it’s going to be extremely sad knowing that I’ll never have that feeling again but I am so ridiculously uncomfortable right now.
Braxton hicks continue to plague me, usually at times where I can’t do anything about them to ease their pains.
I’ll be interested to see how ‘favourable’ my cervix is on Tuesday.
DS has yet another cold which meant he was in our bed from 11 last night. This meant I slept in such a bizarre position I’ve barely been able to walk today thanks to lower backache. Coupled with Brixton hicks pains it’s not been much fun today.
Midwife appointment went well this morning. Peanut behaving, urine and blood pressure was all ok and am booked in for a stretch and sweep next Tuesday 😱 My MW is on annual leave for two weeks as of Friday so will be seeing her colleague, though she said she doesn’t think it’ll work unless my cervix is favourable so we’ll wait and see what that’s doing.
Couldn’t tell whether baby was engaged or not as every time she went to check I leapt out of my skin. I swear that woman finds ‘that’ sensitive spot in my pelvic area every time. Wonder if the other MW will have better luck on Tuesday?! However she seems to think, thanks to my ungainly waddle and the discomfort I’m getting in my pelvis, that it’s definitely slotted in.
On the one hand I miss my own mum like crazy but on the other I’m well aware that I am now someone’s mummy, and soon to be someone else’s too and should embrace that. Until today I’ve struggled with this concept.
I see older people taking their elderly mother’s out for Mother’s Day lunch and feel robbed and find it unfair that I will never get to do that. She was taken from us before her time and should still be here and I will never, ever feel that it’s not fair that she isn’t.
However, at the end of the day she isn’t and all I can do is cherish the wonderful memories I have of her and do my best to strive to make her proud. She was the most amazing role model and not a day goes by when I don’t think of her and feel forever grateful that she was our mother, our best friend, our world.
Up until this year my own Mother’s Day was basically like any other day but with a card chosen and bought by OH given to me on behalf of DS (needless to say I always help DS make OHs Father’s Day cards with hand/foot prints/drawings etc and well intentioned scribbles actually created by DS… but maybe I’ll do buttocks this year 😉)
This year however showed a marked difference.
This year I got my first hand made card (that I didn’t have a part in making), courtesy of school. And this year OH let DS choose my present (a ceramic candle holder in the shape of a house) and card and he even got DS to ‘write’ in it. We went for a lovely little walk across the downs to a hotel for lunch and had a nice play on the beach in the sunshine on the way home (even if it was a tad cold thanks to those blasted easterly winds).
But the biggest and most wonderful difference this year was actually hearing the words “Happy Mother’s Day” being said to ME by my beautiful boy without being prompted. Followed by the most incredible hug and kiss. This wasn’t just said once either, it has been repeated several times today and on settling him to bed this evening he said it one last time followed by an “I love you”
I think I will treasure that memory all my life.
Suddenly, I feel like a mother. Suddenly, Mother’s Day isn’t such a sad day anymore. Although I will always remember my own special Mum that little bit more on this day, I will at last allow myself to be happy that I am someone’s mum to celebrate too.
So Happy Mother’s Day to all those mum’s out there past, present and future. I hope you have celebrated today despite probably carrying on as usual too with the mundane things life insists upon. Unfortunately that ironing basket, dishwasher and washing machine still need sorting out, even on Mothering Sunday.
Baby showers are an odd thing and something I never really thought much about. It’s another occasion we, as Brits, seem to have adopted from the Americans and have always thought a little twee but just lately they seem to be a real boom.
I never thought I’d ever have one to be fair. Whether this is because of all the pictures I’ve seen on social media of late 20-30 something, heavily and pristinely made up yummy mummies and their equally pristine friends having lavish meals out and the fact that I never thought I’d have one as they seem to be exclusively reserved for the ‘popular’ girls at school (you know the group), I’m not sure but I didn’t have one for DS and didn’t expect to have one now either.
Well today broke this.
I can truly say I am blessed with the most amazing friends who took time out of their very busy schedules (and forfeited a very rare beautiful day) to spend a few hours helping me celebrate Peanut.
The surprise element was unfortunately ruined by a local hairdresser who told me about my baby shower at a party a few weeks ago and then a couple of weeks later I discovered it was my lovely friend G who was organising it but that was all I knew.
OH entertained DS whilst I waddled down to a local hotel where the event was thrown.
So much thought was put into it and I can’t thank G enough for all her effort. She is truly a remarkable friend whom I constantly question why I deserve such a sweet person in my, and my children’s lives but am eternally grateful she is there (she threw me a surprise birthday party back in August).
There was stacks of food, an amazing cake, baby related party games, that I even managed to win a couple of.
There were also lots of gifts. And everyone bought a book from their childhood and wrote the most wonderful inscriptions inside for both Peanut and myself. I have to admit I cried like a baby at a couple of them.
Today I feel truly blessed to have such wonderful friends whom have only come into my life thanks to the children and I hope we will be friends for life.
After my friend’s devastating news on Monday I’m not afraid to say I went in to that sonographer suite today feeling especially nervous. The fact I hadn’t felt Peanut move since I woke up didn’t help (this was only a couple of hours, I’ll admit). I was literally shaking.
I needn’t have worried as everything is absolutely fine, in fact more than fine. Peanut has officially gone off the chart where measurements are concerned (more info below). Of course now I’m worrying as to why it’s so big, I promised I wouldn’t listen to their measurements as they always said DS was going to be a 9-10Iber and he was 7Ib 8oz when e was born at 39+4.
I voiced my concerns about my impending induction to the consultant when he started talking dates and what I would like to happen. To my astonishment he was happy with this, they are booking me an appointment for a cervical examination at 38 Weeks to check whether my cervix is favourable or not, if not then I will have a full doppler test to check the placenta and go from there. If cervix is favourable then they’ll do a stretch and sweep and possibly book me in a few days after that for induction. Meanwhile I’m going to visit MW more often and have stretch and sweeps from 37 Weeks to hopefully get things moving more naturally. I shall be trying everything I can at home too.
It’s all becoming very, very real now. I really could be holding my baby in my arms in just over two weeks time.
Meanwhile OH suggested a trip into the city centre with no mention by me…. GO FIGURE!!!! Of course I was disappointed by the whole experience. H&M and New Look didn’t have maternity department and the Mothercare one was literally 8 rails. I ended up coming out with some yoga pants and two tees all in black. I fail to see the logic in a city centre main shop of these big brands not having, or having a very limited range of maternity clothes. Apparently women don’t get pregnant in Exeter it would seem.
Another amazing thing has happened too… we have now agreed on a girl’s name, and I love it and so glad OH has come round to it, now Peanut needs to be a girl because I live it so much and we’re stuffed if it’s a boy 😄
Officially speaking Peanut should be weighing in at 5.7lbs. In reality, according to today’s scan, it’s already at DS’ birth weight of 7.5Ibs and its fundal height is 37.5cm. It is measuring off the chart, literally. Vegetable of the week is a romaine lettuce.
The scan didn’t show much at as at Peanut’s current size a limb pretty much fills the screen but we did see the top of baby’s head and ears which showed a full head of hair which was strange to see. More importantly it shows Peanut is head down with spine to my tummy. Perfect!!!!
Peanut continues to shed what’s left of the lanugo hair and vernix caseosa. It’ll be happily swallowing all this hair and skin and store it in her bowels as it’s first poo, meconium.
I’m doing ok, I think. I’m not as tired as I possibly should be but then I don’t have the option of rest with a toddler in tow, so I’m assuming my body has just adjusted to this.
I am very uncomfortable when I have to stand up from sitting as I have to pull my legs together and when you feel like you’ve got a bowling ball in your pelvis is a very strange sensation and not a comfortable one.
I’m getting a lot of lower back pain and hip pains but this is to be expected.
The waddle is now fully adopted and I’m getting very out of breath fast when pushing DS up the slightest of incline.
My tummy continues to stretch, testing the elasticity of my poor 43 year old skin to it’s limits, I wonder whether it’ll ever fully recover after this. I’ll be resembling an old female cat when practising my downward dog or cat stretches when doing my yoga from here on in I would imagine. It’s all totally worth it though.
My nails, hair and skin have never been in such good condition and I don’t look forward to the hair loss and return of weak nails after this amazing journey is over.
I’m not hyper emotional, my moods are better (though OH has been on best behaviour which has certainly helped).
Boobs aren’t sore but nipples are massively darker than ever before.
My linea nigra continues to darken and works it wobbly way down the centre of my abdomen.
All in all I’m doing ok for a 40+ year old whose racing after a toddler whilst also baking a giant. And as much as I want this pregnancy to be over and to be holding my beautiful baby in my arms I am also dreading it ending.
I love feeling the gentle and beautiful movements from within and it saddens me that I’ll never experience it again. I’d love to be able to bottle that feeling and bring it out from time to time to experience all over again.
I’m just eternally grateful that I got to experience this, not once, but twice. Despite all the ups and downs along the way.
With potentially only a couple of weeks to go I’m loathed to have to admit I’m desperately in need of a couple of items of clothing of the maternity variety.
All my maternity jeans/trousers are too uncomfortable to wear other than in an upright position and my leggings are now littered with holes to the point I can not wear them out. Holes aside, my rump has become such that leggings are really very unflattering too.
The problem with living in the back of beyond where you have to travel atleast an hour to get to any decent size town (and in reality this is more 90 minutes for anything remotely decent) to have a shop. This in mind means we rely heavily on mail order.
Mail order throws up its own problems. Mainly the time it takes to arrive, not having a clue what the item looks like, if using a different shop you don’t know what the fit is and can’t guarantee quality, then you have to go through the drama of returning it all leaving you in exactly the same desperate position you were in before.
I hate it.
I know what I want but just can’t locate them. I want some Hareem pants, you know the sort, providing the comfort of leggings but without the rump clinging nature that comes with them. And a couple of long line vests and tees (to cover said rump once again). I do wish I looked like the maternity models in the pictures, but I simply am not that lucky as unfortunately, when I get pregnant, my arse thinks it has to mimic my tummy.
These items are a simple request, yes?
Can I find them anywhere?
We’re off to Exeter for our scan tomorrow… ideal, you’d think. Scan at 9.30. Out by 11 (after ANC) quick shop in the city then home. All fine and dandy except When you have an OH who will just want to come straight home instead of listening to reason. The sheer thought of mentioning this idea to him is putting me on edge. I can see the look of disgust now, followed by the inevitable arguments as to why it’s a ridiculous idea with a three year old and me being pregnant (both of which he sees as the most severe disability known to man).
Wish me luck.
Meanwhile Peanut continues to grow and dance oblivious to my discomfort and threadbare appearance 😉
The baby I made reference to yesterday has a couple of known issues namely a heart problem that will require surgery at birth and a deformed limb. They have had to have further tests to check for genetic anomalies but the results won’t be in for another 3 weeks!
By that time she’ll be 23+ Weeks. I can’t imagine being that far along and having to make a ‘decision’ should the worst happen.
I’m not a religious person but I am praying for them right now. I’m praying it’s ‘just’ the two issues the scan highlighted and that everything else is ok. As I said before I know them, but not overly well, enough to pass the time of day with and have a chat about the children but al I want to do right now is give (her) a massive hug and tell her people are thinking of her.
With all this in mind I know full well I’m going to be the sonographer’s worst nightmare on Friday. A simple growth scan, they’ll be thinking. Now I’m going to be bombarding them with probing questions as to the health of my baby’s heart, size, brain. I’m going to be coming across as ridiculously neurotic, and do you know what?