I’ve been thinking a lot about my boobs today. Not about the sorry state that they have become (that’s a whole different blog) but about their function.

Even before I thought about having children I always knew that when I did, I wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to do it, I wanted to do it exclusively and I wanted to do it for as long as time, or my child would allow. 

I was very lucky that I really didn’t have any problem feeding (don’t get me wrong, it was a bumpy road for the first three months or so) and was able to follow through with my plans and, 3 years on, we continue our breastfeeding journey, albeit greatly reduced.

When I fell pregnant in 2015 DS was only a year old and I stressed about having to stop feeding him so investigated the ins and outs of breastfeeding whilst pregnant and tandem feeding. 

I, as we know, lost that baby and blamed myself for this loss. I had read that feeding whilst pregnant can increase your risks of miscarriage, especially when a history of mcs was evident. It ate me up.

When I fell pregnant this time, due to DS’ hugely reduced demand on my Milk I continued to feed him (on wake up and on going to sleep, we’re probably talking 10-15 minutes in total, per day) and thankfully nothing adverse happened to this pregnancy.

However, now I’m left wondering when, or even if, it’ll end. I had read that during pregnancy, regardless of whether you’re still feeding or not, your milk reverts back to colostrum about half way through, and generally your child doesn’t like the taste so will self wean.

Self weaning has always been the route I’ve decided as a way to end our journey. In fact everything with DS I have taken the baby-led approach and have been so happy with it all. I have always said I’m certainly not still going to be feeding him when he starts school at 5, but that I truly wanted it to be his decision. Now that time could potentially happen, literally any day now, I’m dreading it. 

I find myself asking him questions about my supply. My left breast gave up the ghost a while ago now but my right remains fully functional, according to DS. 

So now I’m over halfway and I’m still producing milk, I find myself wondering when it’s going to revert back to colostrum in preparation for Peanut’s arrival and when it does, will DS go off it, or continue, or give up then want to start again once baby is here?

I find myself trying to absorb every precious minute that he feeds. Trying to scorch the memory of those moments in my brain so they never leave me. I wish our memories were retrievable in a playback sort of way, like sticking on a DVD and watching it back, because I don’t want to forget these times of beautiful closeness. I have enjoyed every second of our journey (well, except the mastitis and blanched nipples, I’d be a sadist if I enjoyed those moments) together and the closer I get to the end of it the sadder I feel, but do I also really want to be tandem feeding?

I suppose time will only tell and for now I stand by my baby-led approach and will just follow DS’ lead, wherever and whenever that may take us.

101 days to go

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