Feeling extremely emotional today. Every year it’s the same when I write my Christmas cards. Firstly I have to go through my mum’s address book for all the family ones and her hand writing stirs up feelings of longing plus all the little notes and cards she kept are rammed in there and I can’t help but look through them all and read how highly thought of she was (she had literally hundreds of proper friends)

Secondly it’s the realisation that I won’t get a card from the two people that loved me the most in this world again this year and that cuts like a knife. 

Christmas was such a big event in my family when my mum was alive and it always feels somewhat lacking since she’s been gone. Since having DS I try and make it the same for him but this isn’t helped by living with the Grinch who seems to make it his mission every year to quash any Christmas spirit one might feel.

I miss them both so very much and being pregnant and knowing neither will experience this beautiful life that I’m nurturing, and that this life will never experience, nor benefit from, the love my parents (particularly my mum) would have rained down on them. I feel like DS and Peanut have missed out on a major part of their lives and they will never realise how different their lives will have been with them in them. 

It is just so unfair.

Along with all the above I’m feeling particularly ‘stretched’, tired and lethargic today. Have really struggled to get going though did manage to take DS for a run in the sun on the beach where he ended up face down in a massive rock pool thanks to a rogue dog so ended up the rest of the time racing around in his pants, coat and wellies… he was loving it.

Peanut continues his River dance auditions and for that I feel blessed.

128 days to go

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