Feeling very melancholy today. Maybe combination of lack of sleep, massive headache and of course the usual irrational pregnancy hormones but I just feel totally alone today. 

The only real friend I have here now is away and it’s left me a bit lost. Other once good friends seemed to have distanced themselves from me (probably due to my current humourless personality) and it’s left me feeling alienated. People around me seem to be happy and having fun. Laughing and talking yet when I’m around, nothing. Like I said, hormones probably aren’t helping my paranoia but it’s a very real emotion today, I just want to be alone today and cry. I want my mum, I want my old friends, I want to feel at home. Truth is I always feel a bit like this when I’ve been home. I miss the sense of belonging my hometown gives me. 

Of course my boy lights up my days, every day I’m grateful for the blessing that is my beautiful rainbow baby, along with the life nestling inside me, but today I am miserable.

I hate when I get into these moods. I wonder where that fun loving, carefree, forever laughing girl went that I once was. Grief has changed me and I know that I’ll come out the other side eventually and that if I’m honest with myself I’m still grieving the loss of Dad last year as well as my current angst. 

It’s been a ‘gah’ day. I shall try and change this around tomorrow.

Symptom wise, I feel heeeeeavy! I’ve taken to having to hold my bump when I bend forward so as not to be in discomfort. A weird experience given I’m only 14 weeks along. Still no nausea but that’s the only symptom that has lessened.

Here’s hoping for a good night’s sleep to bring with it a more positive attitude.

180 days to go.


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