Back home today. Back to the fausty flat. Back to the mundane. Back to the same old stuff every day, day in day out. I wish we had more money (mainly, a more reliable car) so I could take Noah exploring without fear of breaking down every two minutes. However, we have our health and we’re not destitute so for that I should be thankful, many more have far less. I should remember that more.

My ‘is baby ok?’ anxieties are starting to creep back into the deepest recesses of my mind again. I think the warning of symptoms and lack of any clue as to whether baby is ok is really playing on my mind. I’m back to checking toilet paper every time I wipe, worried about every ache and pain and analysing whether it’s a ‘normal’ pain or not. 

Whether this is because I know I’m going home today or not I’m unsure, or just me being an anxious ‘expectant’. People tell me I have just cause but I still don’t like how I feel. Of course most people who ask ‘how are you feeling’ the normal response is ‘fine’, WHY???? Why do we not talk about how we really feel? I’m not talking about offloading all anxieties onto someone you just see at playgroup for half an hour a week or that SM ‘friend’ who barely gives you the time of day unless you bump into them, I’m talking about those people that actually care about you and those that have a vested interest. I think I probably half open up to one friend and even then not as often as I know I probably should to enable me to alleviate my woes, why? for fear of ‘boring’ them. I know that she wouldn’t ever be ‘bored’ by my worries and I know that she wants to help as much as she is able but yet we (I) don’t do it. 

I have friends that are struggling one way or another at the moment and don’t reach out or even talk about how they were feeling until after they’re feeling over the worst and I tell them to reach out in those darkest times but yet don’t heed my own advice. Is it a British thing, you know, ‘stiff upper lip’ and all that jazz?! Or is it human nature that when we truly need help we don’t seek it?! We are strange creatures.

Anyway, here we are back ensconced in our little seaside flat having raced back for a 3rd birthday party and got dragged around the fair by an over excited toddler, the day would have been perfect if OH had allowed me on the kiddies rollercoaster… bloody gutted! It looked good fun for a little thing… how my expectations have lowered. Four years ago Oblivion, now a 20 ft high dragon track.

As regards symptoms today. All the same but added round ligament pain and back ache which is shooting a pain down the front of my thigh… nice! Think caused by carrying DS.

181 days to go

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