I’ve been thinking a lot about my parents today. Probably because I had a bit of a dong dong with OH about his delay in telling his parents (he wanted to wait until they come down in November yet told everyone at work as soon as we got out the hospital… I ended up emailing them, for god sake, priorities!). It annoys me so much, I would kill to be able to share this sort of wonderful news with my parents, to hear their joy would be a delight but unfortunately this won’t happen and it infuriates me when people take their parents for granted or worse, treat them contempt when they seriously have done nothing to deserve it.

I’m feeling a little out at sea at the moment. I’m reckoning it’s the change in the seasons (I’m always the same at this time of year), the dark, wet, grey days don’t help, neither do pregnancy hormones. But I miss my mum. I miss the joy she would have gained from, and given my beautiful boy. The advice she would have dished out (wanted or not), and above all else, the help  and support she would have offered me. My Dad, fortunately lived long enough to meet Noah and took great interest in him but I wish I’d have taken him up more to see him (he lived 5 hours away) but it’s no good wishing things you can’t change. Money and an untrustworthy car prevented the journey and we had no idea ten that he wouldn’t be with us for such a short time.

Something I’m most jealous of when I watch everyone else around me is that support that parents, particularly mothers, give. You see we don’t have a support network at all here. My brothers live 90 minutes and 3 hours away. OH parents live 6 hours away and don’t offer much in way of help when visiting (not that OH asks either and I’m buggered if I’m going to ask if they could babysit on their holiday, if he wants an evening out he can ask them!). This being said we haven’t had an adult alone time (date nights, etc) since DS was born. Now it’s going to be doubly hard, not that I’m moaning you understand. I always said I’d sacrifice everything just to be able to carry to full term and I get on with it. I love my boy, I cope well, which of course you have to, just sometimes it’d be nice to be able to drop him off at my mum’s so I could get my hair done or go to the doctor or dentist without the added stress of having to entertain a toddler as well. I am extremely lucky that DS is so well behaved and hope and pray the new one will be too.

Symptoms today have been shocking again, bad nausea all day, to the point of urging. Extreme fatigue this afternoon, really sore boobs and seeing every five minutes. That being said, atleast it gives me peace of mind, I just want to get back to some sort of normality for DS’ sake bless him. I’m trying not to let my symptoms affect what we do but we aren’t out and about as much as we would ordinarily be and my exhaustion in the afternoon means I’m a little short tempered. People tell me to explain to him it’s not me it’s the baby but I think this is a terrible thing to say. Surely he would just start resenting the baby if I keep saying we can’t do things because of it. I’ve just been saying I’m not feeling well and pulling my socks up and getting on with what I can do. 

What’s the right thing to do? 

187 days to go.


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