I can’t stop looking at our scan photo today, of all days today seems more poignant. I am now 13 weeks + 1 pregnant with my 6th baby. On Thursday I had geared myself up to deal with another loss, it’s safe to say that I truly am in disbelief that this is actually happening. Thrilled, grateful, honoured, but in disbelief.
Each time I fall we daren’t hope so I’m so used to taking the “here we go again, let’s wait for it to end” attitude that on the two occasions (I’m including this one, thankfully) we’ve got past the dating scan I actually don’t know how to get excited, or I suppose more to the point, I’m scared to get excited in case that’ll end everything. However today I’m grateful for everything.
I’ve been thinking a lot about our angel babies this week and today more so. Those four precious lives that I nurtured for a blink of an eye and whom never made it into my arms will forever remain in my heart.
Today at 7pm is the Baby Loss Awareness Wave of Light and I’m just so eternally grateful that this year we won’t be adding another baby to our thoughts when we light our candle. That this year we have something else to look forward to, not to think back on in grief. I will forever be grateful for my beautiful, funny, independent rainbow boy and this, another rainbow life growing inside me.
To the couples out there who have suffered a new loss I only say, don’t give up. That there is hope in the despair, light in the darkness. That I’m thinking of them, I’m praying for them and I’m hoping and dreaming for them whilst they perhaps can’t at the moment. It’s nothing that they’ve done that has caused this but that one day they too can celebrate the joy of a rainbow baby.
I want to tell them that their feelings matter, regardless of how many years have passed since their loss and that they are not alone. Talk. Talking is important. People may surprise you.
For all the babies that were taken too young or weren’t even given the chance, I think of you.