12 Weeks + 5. Here we are. Finally. Scan day.

I want to feel excited, the thought of walking out of that room with that image in our hands and the sound of a tiny, new heartbeat resonating in my ears should be so exciting. Unfortunately it’s overshadowed by the fear of getting into that room, being deafened with the silence and then hearing those words; “I’m just going to get a second opinion” as they surreptitiously turn the monitor screen away from you and switch off the overhead one and suddenly your hopes and dreams come tumbling down like a house of cards.

You see we’ve been here twice before and only once was it a successful outcome.

The memory of being ushered out that room, hurried past the other excited expectant parents and into the gynae clinic is far outweighing any positive thoughts I may have. To actually get to this point is a miracle, to be dealt the devastating blow when you thought you were finally ‘safe’ is truly crippling. The look of pity that washed over the previously terse looking face of the sonographer said it all. After that it was a bit of a dream but I do remember walking back through the waiting room and seeing the strips of scan photos in people’s hands as they excitedly chatted with and hugged family members. Whilst I, on the other hand, was escorted out and taken via a side door to the ‘other’ clinic. I was devastated and I’m not sure how I’ll cope if it happens again, especially considering my age and difficulty in conceiving.

We’re going to have to take DS with us so I’m hoping that he’ll keep me focussed, I know that he will keep me together should the worse happen. We haven’t explained anything to him yet so he won’t be disappointed in a worse case scenario but now I’m wondering whether it’s the right thing to take him in, not that we have any other option short of OH not coming in at all.

I want to keep positive, I really do but I can’t help thinking there’s something wrong. I’m not experiencing any symptoms to make me think that, it’s just this deep down feeling of dread. I’m pretty sure it’s just the twisted way that I protect myself, gear up for the worse so when the outcome is bad then I’m prepared and should it be the opposite then, well, happy days. 

Listen to me, what a bloody misery. I’m just going round in emotional circles. I’m sure my terrible night’s sleep last night hasn’t helped, trapped nerve meaning my thigh was throbbing nearly all night, round ligament pain meaning I was up several times checking for blood (not evident) and by the time I did eventually fall asleep DS woke shortly afterwards. I really need a lie-in.

Anyway, less of my whinging, it isn’t helping anything just making me more anxious. I promise to try and hope for the positive. This will be the first time I see my silent little passenger and hopefully the first time I’ll hear their tiny little heartbeat. I’ll update later, hopefully with wonderful news.

Wish me luck.

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