Yesterday I lightly touched on my fears going forward, in particular when it comes to the Down’s Syndrome screening. Last night I watched a BBC Documentary by comedienne Sally Phillips called ‘A World Without Down’s Syndrome’.

I’m not ashamed to say I sobbed through the whole programme. Because it was sad? Yes, in some places it was, the account of one mother’s termination of her 25 week old baby because it had Down’s syndrome was heartbreaking, hearing the process involved in termination at that stage was horrific.

But more because I was ashamed of myself. Of my own feelings regarding this condition. Of my opinion should our tests come back with a less than ideal conclusion. It’s made me really wonder what I would do.

Before, due to our ages, my partner and I had always said if the baby had Downs’s we would terminate. This was an easy decision to make because we were never in that position to have to make it. With DS we had a fairly low probability so didn’t have further tests (though I analysed each scan measurements, with the aid of google, dilligently and didn’t really rest until he was born). I do remember thinking though, when I could actually feel him moving within me, how I could make that choice if I had to. I’m not sure I could have but then equally didn’t ‘want’ a baby with a condition, any condition, if I knew about it.

What a callous bitch. I’m writing this blog DESPERATE for this baby to survive and I’d be blessed with its presence but then thinking if it’s less than perfect then what, I get rid of it? I simply terminate this pregnancy that I’ve so longed for because I’ll know it’s not perfect? Are any of us perfect? I know that I’m not but does that mean I don’t deserve a right to life? To make the most of what I’m dealt with? Some of these children/people on this documentary have achieved way more than I, or probably over half the human population have, or will ever have. I look at the abusers, the criminals, the nasty lazy scum that walk this planet and wonder why aren’t they ‘screened out’ when all a Down’s syndrome child offers is a beautiful love.

Due to the increased use of non invasive Down’s Syndrome screening, Finland has a 100% termination rate of Down’s Syndrome babies. 100%!!! I find this shocking, but then armed with this knowledge I seriously do not know what I would do. We aren’t young, we’d be leaving a person who is less likely to be independent in the hands of others, in the hope they would care for them as we would.

It’s such a tricky, emotive subject. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still have the tests and we’ve already said that we’ll probably pay (or put on credit, more to the point) to have the harmony test done but more really to arm us with the knowledge ahead of time. What would I do? What would you do?

Let’s just cross that bridge when we come to it, but if you didn’t catch that programme, it really is worth a watch on BBC iPlayer.

As regards me today, barring a total meltdown and near nervous breakdown due to our dodgy boiler I’m ok. Still, thankfully, symptomatic and happier that I now can say that this time next week we’ll know if our baby is ok, or not.

7 days until the scan 🎉

198 days to go.

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