It’s bizarre typing the title now I’m at 11 weeks, the excitement is almost palpable. The knowledge that I’m so close to the ‘safety zone’, that we’re almost there, that I can soon relax a little before the anxiety of screening tests begin.  

Then it’s tarnished by the demons that lurk in my mind. The demons that tell me that it still could all end horribly. That tell me that getting hopeful will have a disastrous impact on this pregnancy. That remind me I’ve been here before with no positive outcome. Then I start to feel anxious again knowing I’m still so far away from the elusive scan and that even that could end in misery. I feel like I’m walking through treacle and I want to be running free. 

I’ve forgotten what a good night’s sleep is, one without waking in the middle of the night worrying, rushing to the toilet to check for blood, overthinking everything in the wee small hours. DS had an amazing night last night, slept for 10 hours straight which is nothing short of a bloody miracle. Me? I was awake pretty much every two hours and only some of these were due to my overactive bladder. 

I’m tired. I’m obsessing. I’m constantly whinging and I hate all that about me. I want to relax, I want to be my laid back self once more, the positive me, the upbeat, smiling me, where has she gone? I need her right now to get me through the next 11 days but know she won’t be present for quite some time yet. 

I silently pray. I caress my tummy and whisper kind words to my tiny little passenger, pleading with them to hold on in there, to be strong, to fight whatever it is that has killed so many before them, to want to be with me, with us.

Gah. Listen to me. Ignore me. I know it’s all so futile. What will be will be and nothing I do or say can change the outcome so why can’t my sane mind not take over and ‘just get on with it’? It would make life a lot easier.

As regards symptoms today, they’re pretty much unchanged; sore boobs, nausea that pretty much lasts all day and gets worse when the fatigue sets in, weeing has stepped up a notch meaning I’m pretty much peeing 5-6 times an hour during the day and several times in the night (think it was 4 last night). No headaches so far today (winning!) and no crampy aches in the uterine area, just an understandable heavy feeling.

11 days until the scan.

202 days to go.

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