DS had a much better night last night but woke up at 3.30!!! Thankfully OH got up with him at 4 (with no complaint, no coercion, nothing… totally off his own back!!! I know right? Miracles do happen) which meant I got a lie in until 5.30 to catch up from yesterday.
Have been feeling extremely anxious today. Probably something to do with tomorrow’s appointment but I can’t shake the feeling something is wrong. Really glad I have midwife tomorrow. Can’t remember whether she looks for heartbeat tomorrow or not but will ask for her to give it a go anyway.
Thankfully the weather has been amazing today, lovely and warm and the sun has been shining so have had a very busy day out and about and playing on the beach with the boy to keep my mind off things.
My friend is back too so it’ll be nice to catch up with her and start making arrangements for DS’ third birthday, I can’t believe he’s nearly 3, it only seems like yesterday he blessed our lives and yet I can’t remember what life was like without him in it.
16 week Midwife appointment tomorrow!!!!
172 days to go.
I knew last night would be a tough one, what with the clocks changing and DS spiking a temperature, I wasn’t prepared for how painful it would be mind.
DS first woke at 12.30, which wasn’t a bad stint considering the amount of napping he did through the day and how poorly he was. He was promptly transported into our bed (I make no excuses, it gets me back to sleep quicker) where he tossed and turned for half an hour, got up and prepped some Calpol for him, came back and he’d passed out… in my spot! This meant I was teetering on the edge of the bed (on my right side which was stressing me out) so as to not wake him. He then woke at 2.30 (thankfully new time, not old time) and this was it. I did manage to get him interested in looking at my phone so I could snooze for a bit longer until OHs whinging like a baby resulted in me having to get up with DS.
So here I am, 2 and a half hours later, both fed, watered, bathed and dressed and it’s not even 5am yet. We have managed to build some epic train tracks mind…
The rest of the day kind of passed in an over tired haze. We didn’t go swimming today so DS could try and get better for a Halloween party he’s been looking forward to for weeks. It was touch and go as to whether we would be able to go but miraculously (after only a half hour nap!!!) he made a near full recovery and wanted to go so we spent the afternoon with friends, food, laughter and children dressed as skeletons, witches and cowboys.
Peanut has been a little active and I’m not feeling as heavy today… cue panic! I’m admonishing myself though due to my tiredness and will reassess tomorrow (prays for good night sleep).
Night all, before I pass out, or kill someone.
Got all my blood results back that were taken at my dating scan and all is fine there. Begs the question though as to where the results have gone that were taken at my 8 week midwife appointment. These earlier bloods were sent to a different hospital as that’s where our midwives get their anti-D from (I’m rhesus negative)… this is exactly the reason I will NEVER opt for that hospital if I have a choice. They constantly seem to mess up. Must remember to bring this up with the midwife on Tuesday.
I forgot to mention yesterday, a significant symptom that I’m experiencing… My foul mood! Now whether this is due to my pregnancy or my home life I can’t decide. I’m beginning to think that my pregnancy is leaving me with the inability to take the shit that I generally deal with and thus I react to it more. Who knows, but right now, when the OH is home I’m raging!!
DS has been spiking a temperature all day today so haven’t really had time to think about anything other than him and on that note I’m off to bed early as I fear tonight is going to be a long one, coupled with the clocks going back it’s going to be painful.
3 days until midwife appointment
174 days to go
Here we are, another week down and still daren’t allow myself to get excited. Don’t get me wrong, all my miscarriages happened before 13 weeks so the chances are high that peanut is strong enough to hang on in there but it doesn’t stop my worries creeping up on me. I am trying hard not to dwell on these feelings but I think until I get past 16 weeks when I had a bleed with DS I won’t sit comfortably… then the next milestone is the anomaly scan in December.
So what does this week mean for Peanut?…
At only 3.5 inches long, Peanut weighs approximately 70g and is the size of an apple and would fit snugly in the palm of my hand
At this stage baby may have started hiccuping which helps with their ability to breathe when they’re born.
Peanut’s legs are growing longer than his arms now and all his joints and limbs will be moving.
I’m at that awkward size now where my regular clothes (that fit around the waist) are too uncomfortable, I’m not big enough for my maternity clothes and my size 12s, although fit the waist, are massive everywhere else. I need to get the leggings out for the next couple of weeks I think and I hate leggings.
Reading up on my pregnancy apps I notice that at this stage I should have gained between 2.2kg (4.8Ib) and 4.5kg (9.9Ib) and am bloody chuffed that I’m pretty much bang on the lower end of that scale having gained only 5Ibs since the day I found out I was pregnant. Whoop!
Nausea can still hit me but not on a daily basis and for not as long as previously.
Boobs are still very sore, in fact I’m investigating getting a sleeping bra which I never needed with DS but then 3 years of breastfeeding has probably taken it’s toll.
Still feeling absolutely shattered come early afternoon which is scuppering any efforts of me getting back into any form of fitness routine as I have a very small window of opportunity which is DS’ nap!
Weight: 9st 5Ib
4 days until midwife
175 days to go
After a couple of days of highs I’ve had a real crash today. Feeling incredibly low again and no way of knowing how to change that. I’m assuming it’s wretched hormones making me feel as bad as I do. I just feel so lonely, I seem to do everything on my own (except with DS of course) and look around me and everyone else seems to be meeting/going out with friends and there’s me and DS on our own, again.
I want my mum, I want to be near to my family, I want my old friends but I feel stuck here in this eternally grey landscape. I want some colour, some laughter, some brightness. Of course I may have hit the nail on the head writing that last sentence… S.A.D. I do suffer from it and this may be contributing to my low mood of course. I hadn’t thought.
On the pregnancy front, Peanut has been quite active again today which is nice to feel and helps to alleviate any anxieties where that is concerned though me being me, will still fret from time to time that it isn’t actually peanut moving that I can feel and then the old anxieties creep back into play.
Crikey, I’m neurotic! Stop me now 😂
5 days until midwife
176 days to go
What a fantastic day we’ve had today. Up early and out for adventures and then a lovely play date with a friend where I got to snuggle her 4 week old who was in a milk drunk coma.
Today has made me feel a bit more ‘back on track’ again, it was needed to get me back into Cornish life after being at home.
Felt dreadfully sick this morning so, in good old pregnancy fashion, I ate through it 😱. Still really tired in the afternoon and extremely heavy today but have a feeling that’s due to constipation again. Peanut has been über active this evening which eases my anxiety somewhat, though then I wonder whether I’ve got it all wrong and it’s just muscles spasms and not peanut at all. Less than a week until midwife which means less than a week until I hear it’s heartbeat for the first time… very excited, and nervous all in one.
On a side note the Great British Bake Off Final seemed to me a bit of a damp squib tonight. Nothing seemed particularly exciting unlike previous years and absolutely GUTTED she won!!! Gah! First time ever I’ve been disappointed with the winner.
5 days until midwife appointment
177 days to go
Huzzah. DS slept through, only until 5 but I’ll take that. I felt like a new woman, until the arguing started approximately an hour after we woke but that’s another post.
Got my maternity clothes out today and gave them a wash, unfortunately I forgot that I was pregnant through the summer months with DS so most of it totally inappropriate for this winter pregnancy. Will have to purchase a few cheap vests and long sleeve Ts which should compliment the bag of baggy jumpers Auntie gave me when I was home.
Was fat club today which was a bit of a downer, it would appear last weeks over indulgences showed on the scales with a one pound gain so I’m back on plan today. I wasn’t counting on the nausea creeping back though so fighting hard to resist stodge today.
Spent an hour this afternoon at the fair which is currently visiting town. DS loved it and I got to go on a rollercoaster with him which was hilarious, really good for a kiddies one and we whooped and screamed our way round. Of course all the frivolity was ruined when inevitably we had to leave, resulting in a very moody, tear stained little boy.
Feeling lots of movement from peanut today, perhaps they enjoyed the coaster ride too!!
6 days until midwife appointment
178 days to go
It’s been a horrible day outside today, the floor has gone from resembling a toy shop with a severe case of gastric flu, to a show home (another viewing) and back to a vomiting toy store again.
Entertaining a outdoorsy toddler inside all day is by far the most challenging problem solving exercise I’ve ever encountered. We’ve role played doctors and patients, mummies and babies (I’m the baby), firemen and some victim of fire to name but a few, I’m exhausted and it’s HOURS until bedtime. I took solace in the knowledge I could put my feet up and start watching the long awaited start of American Horror Story Hotel whilst DS napped. 15 minutes in however, EDF rang me to then put me on hold for 25 minutes and by the time they were done with me DS woke up. I do hate it when my one ‘me’ time slot of the day is interrupted, especially for something so blooming mundane.
Feeling a bit less melancholy today, thank goodness. It’s still there, lurking in the recesses of my mind but thankfully it’s not at the forefront. Despite having a stinking cold (which means very little sleep and a shorter temper than usual) DS has been good value today and we’ve had fun just playing.
Felt horrifically sick again this morning whilst at the shop. Very strange. Ended up racing home and having to go to the ‘toilet’ which meant I felt a little better but the sickness has been lurking ever since. I woke with groping stomach ache last night and just hope I’m not heading for some ghastly gastric bug. No other symptoms today except the usual heavy and stretchy feeling from bump so all is good (I hope) and only another week until my 16 week midwife appointment where I’ll hopefully get to hear baby’s heartbeat.
7 days until midwife
179 days to go
Feeling very melancholy today. Maybe combination of lack of sleep, massive headache and of course the usual irrational pregnancy hormones but I just feel totally alone today.
The only real friend I have here now is away and it’s left me a bit lost. Other once good friends seemed to have distanced themselves from me (probably due to my current humourless personality) and it’s left me feeling alienated. People around me seem to be happy and having fun. Laughing and talking yet when I’m around, nothing. Like I said, hormones probably aren’t helping my paranoia but it’s a very real emotion today, I just want to be alone today and cry. I want my mum, I want my old friends, I want to feel at home. Truth is I always feel a bit like this when I’ve been home. I miss the sense of belonging my hometown gives me.
Of course my boy lights up my days, every day I’m grateful for the blessing that is my beautiful rainbow baby, along with the life nestling inside me, but today I am miserable.
I hate when I get into these moods. I wonder where that fun loving, carefree, forever laughing girl went that I once was. Grief has changed me and I know that I’ll come out the other side eventually and that if I’m honest with myself I’m still grieving the loss of Dad last year as well as my current angst.
It’s been a ‘gah’ day. I shall try and change this around tomorrow.
Symptom wise, I feel heeeeeavy! I’ve taken to having to hold my bump when I bend forward so as not to be in discomfort. A weird experience given I’m only 14 weeks along. Still no nausea but that’s the only symptom that has lessened.
Here’s hoping for a good night’s sleep to bring with it a more positive attitude.
180 days to go.
Back home today. Back to the fausty flat. Back to the mundane. Back to the same old stuff every day, day in day out. I wish we had more money (mainly, a more reliable car) so I could take Noah exploring without fear of breaking down every two minutes. However, we have our health and we’re not destitute so for that I should be thankful, many more have far less. I should remember that more.
My ‘is baby ok?’ anxieties are starting to creep back into the deepest recesses of my mind again. I think the warning of symptoms and lack of any clue as to whether baby is ok is really playing on my mind. I’m back to checking toilet paper every time I wipe, worried about every ache and pain and analysing whether it’s a ‘normal’ pain or not.
Whether this is because I know I’m going home today or not I’m unsure, or just me being an anxious ‘expectant’. People tell me I have just cause but I still don’t like how I feel. Of course most people who ask ‘how are you feeling’ the normal response is ‘fine’, WHY???? Why do we not talk about how we really feel? I’m not talking about offloading all anxieties onto someone you just see at playgroup for half an hour a week or that SM ‘friend’ who barely gives you the time of day unless you bump into them, I’m talking about those people that actually care about you and those that have a vested interest. I think I probably half open up to one friend and even then not as often as I know I probably should to enable me to alleviate my woes, why? for fear of ‘boring’ them. I know that she wouldn’t ever be ‘bored’ by my worries and I know that she wants to help as much as she is able but yet we (I) don’t do it.
I have friends that are struggling one way or another at the moment and don’t reach out or even talk about how they were feeling until after they’re feeling over the worst and I tell them to reach out in those darkest times but yet don’t heed my own advice. Is it a British thing, you know, ‘stiff upper lip’ and all that jazz?! Or is it human nature that when we truly need help we don’t seek it?! We are strange creatures.
Anyway, here we are back ensconced in our little seaside flat having raced back for a 3rd birthday party and got dragged around the fair by an over excited toddler, the day would have been perfect if OH had allowed me on the kiddies rollercoaster… bloody gutted! It looked good fun for a little thing… how my expectations have lowered. Four years ago Oblivion, now a 20 ft high dragon track.
As regards symptoms today. All the same but added round ligament pain and back ache which is shooting a pain down the front of my thigh… nice! Think caused by carrying DS.
181 days to go