With every day my hope builds but then I remember that we’re a long way from safe and that I’m firmly positioned in ‘danger time zone’ right now and this won’t change until atleast another 3 weeks.
Met up with an old work friend today who is 23 weeks pregnant (our first babies were born two weeks apart) and all I could do was pray that I’ll be in her position in 13 weeks time. I really enjoyed being pregnant with my DS and find I’m sickingly jealous of everyone who is in that position. People tell me I should be grateful that ‘at least’ I have DS… Yes, people are that cruel. And although I will forever be grateful for his safe arrival it doesn’t put an end to my yearning for another. This sentiment is usually spouted by people with more than 1 child I may add.
I’m not sure writing this blog is such a good thing, 1) I’m finding time is seriously dragging and, 2) it’s actually making me think about positive possibilities and I’m terrified that there isn’t going to be one. I’d probably be best off trying to just forget about it for the next four weeks until the scan.
However that isn’t going to happen. I know that, should this pregnancy turn out to be viable, I’d be disappointed that I didn’t chart it as it would be my last pregnancy, so here we are, back to square one.
I actually managed to eat vegetables last night, alongside my roast dinner. I am actually really pleased with this as I do love veg and miss them incredibly. Sickness hasn’t been as bad today so cue dark, negative thoughts, I’ll never be happy… Well not until the 13th, should everything go to plan. Not going to be throwing out the fertility monitor anytime soon.
DS slept until 6AM…. 6AM!!!!! AND only woke once due to coughing. I felt great when I woke up! By 11am the sickness started again, not helped by spinning DS and his girlfriend around in softplay! Sickness pretty much stayed with me until early evening.
The big news of the day is that I went to the cinema! THE CINEMA!! Last time I went to the cinema I was heavy with child, we had watched Despicable Me 2 (the only 2 adults there without children) and threw an entire tub of popcorn over the unsuspecting, and now traumatised, cinema cat. We laughed so hard I thought I was going to give birth in the carpark. It was so nice to get out with my friend and be able to talk (we got there very early) without being interrupted by toddlers. In fact, apart from being in hospital with last mc and having 2 haircuts this was pretty much the only other time I’d been without DS, ever, in nearly 3 years!
In symptom news I’m finding, warning of too much information klaxon, that I’ve been passing a lot of discharge. Whilst sat in cinema this of course sent me into panic thinking it was blood I could feel which then probably psychosomatically (hopefully) made me start having period pain like cramps again. Will this worry ever subside? Again wishing I was having the same care I had with DS.
My pregnancy with DS came after 3 consecutive miscarriages which meant I was given scans every two weeks from 6 weeks. Such a peace of mind. Of course because I’ve had one successful outcome I’d now have to have another 3 consecutive ones to be given the same level of care. Really wish we had money so we could afford private scans right now. I fear a very long panicky evening coming on.
Took my photo pre-breakfast this morning and there is a tiny bump there but still convinced it’s more food related weight gain rather than baby related but perhaps I’m in denial.
I’ve only just got back into these jeans after probably 7 years… Hey ho!!! So much for a winter wardrobe of all my favourite old clothes but then what better excuse to do it again for next Winter.
Here we are, another week under our belt and still suffering symptoms so praying that this is a very good sign that things are progressing ‘normally’.
I won’t lie, I’m extremely anxious still. Still checking for blood everytime I go to the toilet, even going to check in between visits. Of course I know from experience that this will probably continue throughout the pregnancy even if it does proceed having suffered a bleed at 16 weeks with DS (everything was fine, put it down to post coital… That knocked out sex life on the head right there). I really wish my scan was sooner but then that doesn’t promise anything. Having got to the 12 week dating scan before I’m all too aware that even on that day your dreams can be shattered and you can end up being ushered out by a few nurses whom shield you from the happy expectants cooing over their new photographs in the waiting room so as to get us across the corridor through a staff only access into the ‘other’ clinic as soon as possible.
The Baby
Photo credit: BabyCentre
Baby is very nearly an inch long and the size of a grape. Apparently starting to look more ‘human’ with all essential body parts present and correct.
The heart has finished dividing into four chambers, and the valves have started to form as do the teeth.
The embryonic tail has is completely gone and organs, muscles, and nerves are starting to work.
External sex organs are there and the eyes are fully formed, though the eyelids are fused shut.
Earlobes, mouth, nose, and nostrils are more defined. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones and from here on in will gain weight rapidly.
I’ve decided to source embryo images from somewhere else as the ‘Sprout’ ones seemed too advanced to me.
Me
Well if you’re following my posts you will know that nausea and constipation are still dogging me.
Food is a constant source of perplexion, what I want one day (hell, one minute) I may not be able to stomach the next. Needless to say it needs to be bland, stodgy, full of fat and carbs, I swear what stomach I have is purely food baby than real one but I’m just not sure. I know you ‘pop’ sooner with your second one but 9 weeks seems silly early to me. Will take a pre-breakfast picture tomorrow and compare with this post-lunch one.
Taken after eating, will take another tomorrow morning
Deciding whether to continue with Slimming World weigh-ins, I’m a target member but if I’m going to have to start paying because I’m gaining (due to baby) I’m not going to. Really need to chat to my consultant but not ready to spill the beans to non-importantly just yet but wish I knew what I weighed. Think I’ll message her this week and pose the question, do t think it’s fair that I’d have to pay when I’m gaining for a medical purpose, don’t mind paying after baby is born. Anyway, we’ll see.
Was discussing gender with a friend today (one of only two that know locally) and she thinks boy but wants me to have a girl. I’m totally not sure but certainly feel a hell of a lot different to how I did with DS. A girl would be cool (their clothes are so much nicer than boys clothes) but another boy would be ace. Actually glad I had a boy first time round despite wanting a girl (so I could emulate the relationship I had with my late mum). Of all the little girls I know it certainly appears that boys are far less high maintenance 😉
Anyway, I’m allowing myself to leap way ahead of myself here. As long as this pregnancy continues and baby is healthy I really don’t care what it’s gender is.
DS ended up coming into bed with me at 10 last night after waking up in floods of tears after a nasty bout of coughing. He didn’t wake until 7am so all is good in the world. It really is unheard of that I’m left lying there waiting for him to wake up, lovely but will probably mean naps and bedtime will be all over the shop today, but hey, I got a lie-in!!!!
Good old Lactulose has sorted the constipation problem and hopefully we’ll have that under control now.
Sickness was an absolute doozy this afternoon and going into evening. Thankfully we made the most of this amazing weather and spent the entire morning on the beach because this afternoon I couldn’t extricate myself from the sofa. DS has wrecked the flat just to keep entertained and I have estate agents coming round tomorrow to photograph it…. Joy, I think I’ll just move the junk around and give the impression that the place isn’t actually Toys’r’Us at the end of a sale day.
My friend, the one I talked about here, messaged this morning to tell me she is having to have surgical management of her miscarriage due to the fact it isn’t happening of it’s own accord.
It would appear they move quicker in London than they do down here. My last miscarriage went on for nearly 3 months, anaemia due to massive blood loss, blue light trips to A&E (and horrifically poor treatment from the specialist there meaning it continued for another month afterwards) before a D&C was done, as soon as I set foot in my preferred hospital I may add, not the one mentioned above.
My heart weeps for her and I hope she’s coping ok. The universe can be so cruel sometimes. Meanwhile children are born to abusive parents without so much as a twinge in pregnancy, just doesn’t seem right to me. It has made me quite emotional this evening and also making me feel a little grateful for my sickness.
Woke up feeling ‘different’ which sent me into panic mode. Lots of aches in the womb area and no nausea. Turns out aches were due to constipation and nausea hit at about 8am, usual time but because DS woke at 4.30 this morning I just thought it arrived later than usual.
OH back tonight so decided to get a veg casserole done first thing. Remind me NEVER to do that again. Oh my life!!!! Never have I felt more like throwing up!!! This has just been made worse by the announcement that OH mentioned at 1730 that they still hadn’t left Birmingham so he won’t even be eating here tonight!!!!!
Garage rang about car… Ouch! Brake pads and discs and an entire exhaust kit, I really could cry… Let’s just hope this makes it MOT ready now! Would explain why my CO2 reading was high mind.
After our usual morning walk stopped at our usual cafe for DS’ tea cake and my decaf cappuccino only to be TOTALLY unable to resist the baked cheesecake… OMG it was pure heaven but jeez I have massive food guilt now. I blame the woman j. Front of me who couldn’t make her mind up meaning I was left stood with the cake staring me in the eye for 10 minutes… NO ONE can resist THAT!!!!
On a nice note my friend returned from her hollibobs today so we wandered up there for a little catch up after I dropped some stuff off regarding the house purchase. Was lovely catching up, they’ve only been away two weeks, it feels like a year! DS was uber grumpy due to cold which meant there were time out’s spent by both mine, and her son today. We are quite lucky with our boy, he’s so chilled out and never gets into tantrums nor does he do the usual toddler snatching and pushing/biting/kicking/hitting thing but today he fought back 😬
Anyway, off to battle through another evening routine on my own whilst fighting the urge to just collapse in a heap on the living room floor and wallow in my nausea. A first trimester with a toddler really is no fun at all lol
Awful night with DS, awake every hour in floods of tears due to cough and/or being bunged up. Luckily I had the foresight to prepare myself so don’t feel too dreadful today, but then it’s only midday, plenty time for that to change.
Running around trying to get flat in some sort of order for new estate agent photographs and he’s gone and moved the appointment forward. It really does look like I’ll be shifting piles of toys from one room to the other when he’s here.
Still feeling very sick and woozy, boobs incredibly sore and growing… Typically having just forked out a fortune on new bras a couple of weeks ago. Maternity and feeding bras are hardly the most attractive of garments. Now there’s a niche in a market for someone with the know how.
Nausea did subside earlier than usual today which has, of course sent me into panic mode, especially having just read that an acquaintance (FB friend) has just miscarried at 11 weeks. I swear these next 4 weeks are going to be the longest of my life.
Sometimes, and I hate to write this for fear of jinxing it but I promised myself I’d be transparent with this blog and not hide anything, especially for irrational reasoning. I have this feeling, this gut feeling that yes, this is going to happen! Then I find myself desperately trying to build those protective walls back up again and check myself for hoping! Everytime I go to the toilet I check my pants for, and check the paper afterwards, dreading that I’ll see blood waiting for that moment when I will see it. I just wish I could enjoy being pregnant and not feel constantly anxious over every ache, constantly paranoid over symptoms. I’m not even 9 weeks yet, Lord help me.
Oh joy, the constipation has started. I feel like I’ve given birth already. I’ve never got back from town so quickly in all my life, made harder by carrying a toddler who just seemed to be pushing down on my bowel the entire way home. Thank god I had the foresight to get some Lactulose in, I shall be swigging it from here on in to prevent *that* from happening again. Really is amazing considering my diet is full of lentils and fruit.
Another afternoon with the ladies today and considering I was feeling exceptionally sick and lightheaded I’m surprised I got through it without spelling the beans. Though my FB status last night (relating to my friend and her loss) was brought up and I think they thought that I’d suffered another mc myself judging by the look of relief on their faces when I said it was regarding a friend.
DS has developed a stinking cold now so he’s tucked up early in an Olbas Oil infused room. Praying he manages to get through the night, I’m still not feeling crash hot myself and could do with a really good sleep to give it a final heave ho, it’s bad enough suffering with nausea without the added aches and pains of a cold.
So OH left this morning for a whole week away (work). I rejoice at this and feel bad but after all the bad air these past few days it’ll be nice to walk into a house where you don’t need a knife to cut through the atmosphere.
The cold is pretty brutal and am now at that bunged up, snotty, coughy stage which means sleep is impossible this ever decreasing any good mood I may have had to start with.
Nausea doesn’t seem as bad today which of course is sending me into a panic but boobs still incredibly sore and tiredness still debilitating so am hanging onto those for hope.
I found out today that a very dear friend of mine, one who saw us through our first 3 miscarriages and the birth of our son before moving away, has experienced the terrible loss of her own. We were due within days of each other and was looking forward to seeing her bloom, hoped we would bloom together. Her precious little angel didn’t make it past 6 weeks, at which stage she messaged me saying she felt ‘different’ and that a scan showed an embryo that wasn’t as big as it should have been but was given hope that she’d just got her dates wrong. I hoped and prayed for her but suspected the worst, hoping beyond hope to be proven horribly wrong. Another scan today revealed her baby hadn’t survived. She will make the most terrific mother when her time will hopefully come. Having been through it 4 times myself you’d think I’d have something amazing to say to her to make the terrible pain and ache go away but I’m at a loss. It occurs to me there’s nothing anyone can say that’ll make it better and I can’t even give her a hug. I hope, beyond hope she doesn’t have to go through it again and that she conceives again soon. My heart weeps for her.
DS woke at 5 this morning, has nearly killed me. Sooooo tired and then incessant arguing when OH woke up, really can’t deal with this shit when I’m feeling this crappy. Why do they not think? Why is it all about them? Why is it when you become a mother your needs cease to be even considered, and yet all the books tell you (the woman, the mother, the one who has no time left for herself, the one who has no thought left that isn’t focused on the safety and happiness of her child) to make their OH feel included and wanted. I’m sorry, I thought we lived in the 21st century. What about me?! I don’t expect anything from my 2 yo but I do expect a modicum of respect from the 40+ yo I share a house with I kind of expect him to appreciate what I do (not that I expect thanks), appreciate how I feel right now, to bloody well help a little bit. I would say it’s hormones and I suppose my total lack of ability to tolerate it as I usually do is down to them, that and complete exhaustion. I’d like to see how they’d cope feeling sick from the moment they wake up to the moment they fall asleep, the debilitating exhaustion that plagues the first trimester and on top of that a very lively 2 yo to look after solely on your own. It’s funny that the one person who’s supposed to have chosen to love you soon becomes the one person who appears to hate you the most. I truly wish my parents were still alive, I really could do with a hand right now.
Sorry, I digress. Needed that little rant. I’m a little stressed today, morning started with no nausea so of course I worried, then the nausea kicked in and then I’m praying for it to leave again lol. I’ll never be happy. Boobs still incredibly sore, especially when DS latches on though once on its fine, those couple of seconds is truly agonising. I wonder whether he’ll self wean when my milk turns back to colostrum (allowing myself to skip ahead of myself there, shame on me).
Anyway let’s home today improves, the sun is shining so will try and come up with an exciting plan for this afternoon with the hope my stomach behaves.
Here we are… The Danger Zone! So titled because from here on in is where my failed pregnancies were deemed to be non-viable. I lost two at about 8 weeks (not finding out until about 10w) and two at about 10 weeks (not finding out until 12w).
Be prepared for neuroticism, negativity and panic. I will try, amidst all this angst, to remain hopeful but I’m afraid superstition may prevent this from happening, God forbid I dream this might progress normally and thus cursing it from being. Perhaps I should approach this next month with a certain level of emotional detachment but we’ll see, I may surprise myself.
The mash went down a storm last night and now thinking what else can go with it for the foreseeable. I have a feeling I’m going to be eating just mounds of mash and ketchup though might see how rice fares as I’m starting to obsess about that at the moment. These cravings (though not sure that’s what they are, rather than the only things that don’t turn my stomach) are the strangest things.
The Embryo:
Credit: Sprout Pregnancy App
At 8 weeks the embryo is the size of a jelly bean.
Arm and legs have started to develop though the intricacies of fingers and toes are yet to form.
The spinal column has now been formed and the brain is developing rapidly.
Eyelids, a nose and upper lip are now more pronounced and a tiny tongue is now growing. This is also the week that baby’s primary reproductive organs become testes or ovaries (though it’s gender was was determined at conception it’s taken this long for the gonads to become one of the other).
Me:
My uterus is now the size of an orange, apparently. My food baby is probably the size of a small car.
fearfullyhopeful 