Woke up this morning in a mild panic as boobs weren’t as sore as normal. I’m almost convincing myself now that I’ve lost this baby already and then I’m kicking myself for thinking that and therefore making it a reality. Perhaps I should ring the midwife, but what would she suggest? Probably just to pull myself together and I can’t blame her for saying that, despite my history. I hate ringing people like that unless there’s something definitely wrong, it’s the way I was brought up, not to bother people unless it was a real emergency. I wish I was one of those people that bug the hell out of people with the slightest worry but I’m just not. What to do?

Nausea still quite strong but then I’m convincing myself it’s psychosomatic and I’m willing myself to feel sick so as to convince myself baby is ok. Oh my god, I hate feeling like this. It’s totally nonsensical, paranoid. I’m not this sort of person at all, I’m very much, what will be will be and let’s get on with it. I think it’s because I want this so much and I’m terrified it’s my last chance.

Oh to have money!!!! Atleast then I’d be able to know that baby is ok at this moment in time. 2 bloody weeks until the scan, 2!!! It should only be 1, I’m so annoyed. I know that we are so bloody lucky to have the NHS and I know it’s not a bottomless pit of money and that guidelines have to be put in place to prevent needless haemorrhaging of money. But right now I hate that no one seems bothered about what I’m going through. That because I’ve had one successful pregnancy I shouldn’t worry, despite losing 4. I also hate the sort of person it’s making me. I need to stop being a pathetic paranoid over emotional wreck, well that should be in about 7 months then.

I wrote the above this morning. After a day of hideous sickness, tiredness and the wonderful return of agonising boobs I’m feeling a little more positive, well for now anyway. My trusty denim mini is officially becoming way too tight to wear, will be unpacking my maternity wear sooner than expected at this rate, God willing.

Hoping for a good night tonight, I feel a good nights sleep will be a good start to fixing some of my anxiety, being tired can’t help, on top of all the hormonal crap.

Here’s to a better day tomorrow…

14 days until the scan.

205 days to go.

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