It’s 0530hrs and I’m lying here waiting for DS to wake up. I’ve been lying here staring into the darkness for the last hour after another bout of insomnia. Looking at my FB activity I didn’t go to sleep until gone 11 having retired to bed at 10.

I got to thinking last night, about when I lost my last baby. So I looked for the blog post I wrote on the subject (my non-anonymous blog), I found it. I was 11 weeks but baby had stopped growing at about 9. 11!!!!! I’m actually in despair here. I didn’t think it was that far. Now I can’t help think that my baby could be gone already even though there’s a chance it might be doing brilliantly well. I know there’s nothing i could do to change anything but I just want to know. It’s another 15 bloody days until my scan and I’m going stir crazy here. I’ve even been tempted with their ridiculous baby heart monitor apps. My friend thinks I should ring the MW but not sure she could do anything. I know they’re not keen using Doppler this early as it can be difficult to find the heartbeat and if she can’t then that might send me into turmoil. Gah. What to do?

Still experiencing symptoms which I’m clinging on to, despite blog noting that I was displaying some symptoms even though baby had died, but not all symptoms and I do remember being violently sick back then, and that did stop before the ill fated scan.

On a positive note we went to meet the new baby this afternoon. She’s absolutely divine, you forget how small they are when newborns. This lifted my anxiety somewhat but I have come home even more desperate for this to work out. 

Hoping Great British Bake Off will calm and empty my mind before bed so I actually get to sleep tonight but have a feeling my dreams will be filled with babies 😬 

15 days until the scan.

206 days to go.


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