Another terrible night with DS isn’t doing my pregnancy exhaustion any good at all. I’m hoping now OH has gone away again on business this week, DS will settle into a routine again. Fingers crossed, I really could do with a good night’s sleep.

Nausea still strong, weather terrible today too so Lord knows what I’m going to do to try and distract myself enough to not wallow in it. Plus DS is going to go nuts if he’d doesn’t do something constructive. I feel a shopping trip coming on.

It really hit home to me this morning (why today? I have no idea) that this is my 6th pregnancy. 6 times I’ve been here now and only once has ended positively. 6 times I’ve hoped and dreamed and only once have they been fulfilled. In an alternative universe I am the mother of five with my sixth on the way, that’s a rather mental thought. In reality I’m sat here fretting that I’m setting my body and mind up for yet another fall. IF this doesn’t work out how I’m praying it will, how many more times can I put myself through this? How many more times can my body and mind take this? And how much time have I got left to try? I’m 43 now and it’s taken us over a year to conceive each time. I promised I’d give myself up at 45 but my need for a second baby is so great that will I willingly let that be the end if this doesn’t go to plan? Is it fair on the child to keep trying past this age?

In an ideal world I would have had my first when I first fell pregnant at 35 and had three by the time I was 40. As life had it I had my DS at 40 so changed my plan to just two children, I naïvely wasn’t expecting to fall victim to more miscarriages after DS, I thought that the universe had finished dishing out it’s cruel fate to me but I was wrong. I just don’t want him to be my only, I don’t want him to be on his own. Chances are that myself and OH will shuffle off this mortal coil far earlier than the parents of his peers and when he is still relatively young. My mum died when I was 35 and I felt too young to lose her and be on my own, thankfully I had my brothers. They were my rock. They are the only people on the planet who were experiencing the same pain and feelings as me, the only ones that missed her the way I did and that’s comforting at such a dreadful time. I want this for DS. I don’t want him to go through that on his own. I want him to always have the back up a sibling provides. I want this so dreadfully for him that I’m actually feeling frantic at the moment. 

Constipation was terrible today and every since I managed to go I’ve had cramps. The anxiety is never ending. I try, I really try to to remain positive but it’s so hard when you have no way of knowing for sure that things are ok.

I want this so much. I’m so bloody scared right now. 

17 days until the scan.

208 days to go.

Time seems to be dragging so much.


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