We’ve got this far, 2 weeks (though in my case nearly 3) from the scan, you’d think I’d start to relax a little but this isn’t new, in fact we’ve got this far all 5 times. This really is the danger week I’ve only got past week 10 twice and once was with DS. I’m going to be diligently analysing all my symptoms, obsessing probably more like, throughout this week as all (barring DS, of course) of my babies have stopped growing by the end of this week (whether my body had realised it yet, or not).

I’m not going to lie, I’m scared, I’m really scared. I’m terrified in fact, probably because I’ve been allowing myself to hope and probably because I’m beginning to wonder how much more time I have to have another baby. This is just so important to me and I’m freaking out.

I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about the house, my friend who miscarried but mainly my friend’s new baby and my current situation. I’m so excited and pleased when someone has a baby (especially someone this close to us) but I’m embarrassed to say I’m also struck by jealousy too, and I hate that!  

As time goes on I start to get excited, I can’t help but make plans for the future, including this baby into them. Then I’m terrified that by me doing this, by me getting hopefully and creating this future in my head, I’m somehow going to cause another miscarriage. Like the universe is going to punish me for having a dream. It’s hard not to be negative, I do try but it’s so hard.

I think about the people who smoke, drink and do drugs throughout pregnancies and sail through without a hitch and I want to scream at them. I think about the people that bring child after child into this world without a thought for them as they end up, one by one going into care and having the worst start to a life. About those sick, vile excuses for human beings that bring children into this world only to abuse and/or kill them and I think, ‘why them and not me?’ Why do they manage to go through problem free pregnancies when they don’t even give two shits about the beautiful being that is growing inside them. I’m not ashamed to say I’d see these people hang if it were up to me. 

Then I think about the people that yearn for a child and never get to have one of their own and I feel eternally grateful for my DS but then it doesn’t make my yearning for a second any less hoped for nor deserved.

Right this minute I really wish we had the money to have a private scan, just for peace of mind.

The baby:

Photo credit: Babycentre

It’s incredible to think that despite only being the size of a kumquat (just over an inch long) that all baby’s vital organs are functioning now. The heart is very nearly fully formed and the liver is making red blood cells to replace the yolk sac, baby is also swallowing and kicking. Finger nails are forming on individual, unwebbed fingers and toes, and all it’s limbs bend now. The baby is now classed a foetus, we are now entering the foetal stage.

Me:

Apparently my uterus is the size of a grapefruit. My tummy is definitely pronounced now though I’ll still doubt that it isn’t all entirely due to food. 

My boobs are still incredibly sore and getting bigger.

Sickness is waning (I think) which has panicked me a little today as I read on one of my pregnancy apps that this week it’s likely to be at it’s worse so forgive my freaking out, if that isn’t the case. However, it is still there, niggling away at me and making me feed it at any given opportunity. Went blackberry picking this week so have cooked them down and I’m going to mix it in with 0% Natural Yogurt and I’m going to make my own (healthier) frozen yogurt lollies. I’ll let you know how that pans out 😄

Still feeling light headed a lot of the time which makes getting ‘out and about’ not only uncomfortable but I’m constantly worrying I’m going to make a tit out of myself.

Constipation is still an issue but really need to stay on top of the Lactulose… Three bean and lentil chilli tonight so thinking I might not need it right now.

Peeing for England. That’s all I need to say about that one. Went to a local art exhibition this evening, in half an hour I visited the Outhouse 5 times!!!!!!

19 days until the scan.

210 days to go.

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