10 Weeks + 5

Woke up this morning in a mild panic as boobs weren’t as sore as normal. I’m almost convincing myself now that I’ve lost this baby already and then I’m kicking myself for thinking that and therefore making it a reality. Perhaps I should ring the midwife, but what would she suggest? Probably just to pull myself together and I can’t blame her for saying that, despite my history. I hate ringing people like that unless there’s something definitely wrong, it’s the way I was brought up, not to bother people unless it was a real emergency. I wish I was one of those people that bug the hell out of people with the slightest worry but I’m just not. What to do?

Nausea still quite strong but then I’m convincing myself it’s psychosomatic and I’m willing myself to feel sick so as to convince myself baby is ok. Oh my god, I hate feeling like this. It’s totally nonsensical, paranoid. I’m not this sort of person at all, I’m very much, what will be will be and let’s get on with it. I think it’s because I want this so much and I’m terrified it’s my last chance.

Oh to have money!!!! Atleast then I’d be able to know that baby is ok at this moment in time. 2 bloody weeks until the scan, 2!!! It should only be 1, I’m so annoyed. I know that we are so bloody lucky to have the NHS and I know it’s not a bottomless pit of money and that guidelines have to be put in place to prevent needless haemorrhaging of money. But right now I hate that no one seems bothered about what I’m going through. That because I’ve had one successful pregnancy I shouldn’t worry, despite losing 4. I also hate the sort of person it’s making me. I need to stop being a pathetic paranoid over emotional wreck, well that should be in about 7 months then.

I wrote the above this morning. After a day of hideous sickness, tiredness and the wonderful return of agonising boobs I’m feeling a little more positive, well for now anyway. My trusty denim mini is officially becoming way too tight to wear, will be unpacking my maternity wear sooner than expected at this rate, God willing.

Hoping for a good night tonight, I feel a good nights sleep will be a good start to fixing some of my anxiety, being tired can’t help, on top of all the hormonal crap.

Here’s to a better day tomorrow…

14 days until the scan.

205 days to go.

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10 Weeks + 4

It’s 0530hrs and I’m lying here waiting for DS to wake up. I’ve been lying here staring into the darkness for the last hour after another bout of insomnia. Looking at my FB activity I didn’t go to sleep until gone 11 having retired to bed at 10.

I got to thinking last night, about when I lost my last baby. So I looked for the blog post I wrote on the subject (my non-anonymous blog), I found it. I was 11 weeks but baby had stopped growing at about 9. 11!!!!! I’m actually in despair here. I didn’t think it was that far. Now I can’t help think that my baby could be gone already even though there’s a chance it might be doing brilliantly well. I know there’s nothing i could do to change anything but I just want to know. It’s another 15 bloody days until my scan and I’m going stir crazy here. I’ve even been tempted with their ridiculous baby heart monitor apps. My friend thinks I should ring the MW but not sure she could do anything. I know they’re not keen using Doppler this early as it can be difficult to find the heartbeat and if she can’t then that might send me into turmoil. Gah. What to do?

Still experiencing symptoms which I’m clinging on to, despite blog noting that I was displaying some symptoms even though baby had died, but not all symptoms and I do remember being violently sick back then, and that did stop before the ill fated scan.

On a positive note we went to meet the new baby this afternoon. She’s absolutely divine, you forget how small they are when newborns. This lifted my anxiety somewhat but I have come home even more desperate for this to work out. 

Hoping Great British Bake Off will calm and empty my mind before bed so I actually get to sleep tonight but have a feeling my dreams will be filled with babies 😬 

15 days until the scan.

206 days to go.

10 Weeks + 3

Have been really achey today after yesterday’s bowel activity. In that news though, we’re back on track. Of course this aching is having me check for blood every time I feel the slightest twinge or moisture.

I’m weeing lots so this obsessive checking is occurring pretty much 20 times an hour with a couple of non-wee related checks. 

I ended up emailing my Slimming World consultant last night as a dear friend of mine is desperate to join and wanted my support so couldn’t swerve it any more. Turns out, even as a non-target member, you don’t pay throughout your pregnancy and up until your 6 weeks post natal check up. There’s a result. With this information to hand I nervously trotted off to group the morning with said friend. I had geared myself up to face atleast a 6Ib gain so that I wouldn’t get too upset. Turns out I’ve only put on 3.5Ibs in the last month… I am so pleased with this!!! Considering being pretty much totally off plan and not being able to do any exercise (my history of miscarriages means I am not not permitted to allow my body temperature to increase for the first 12 weeks, this means no exercise, no sex, no hot baths, etc… I’m hoping that now my nausea and vegetable revulsion isn’t quite as bad, I will be able to lose a few pounds before the weight gain becomes uncontrollable. This small gain in mind has kind of made me face facts that protruding stomach has little to do with food baby, but real one. A glimmer of hope enters head and is instantly shot down by protective lazers. 

Exhaustion still hitting at 1400, which is just when DS wakes from his nap, really couldn’t be more inconvenient. I seem to remember it was the same when I was pregnant with DS only in those days I’d finished work by 1400 and could go home and sleep until I started back at 1800. Wishing I had that luxury today. Utterly shattered. As ever though, I’m looking at the presence of all these symptoms as a positive sign that the pregnancy is still viable. Fingers crossed.

Going to meet the new baby tomorrow (at precisely exhaustion time) and am going to have to get creative with what I’m wearingas well as excuse my constant yawning. Those girls can sniff out pregnancy like a pig can a truffle.

16 days until the scan.

207 days to go.

10 Weeks + 2

Another terrible night with DS isn’t doing my pregnancy exhaustion any good at all. I’m hoping now OH has gone away again on business this week, DS will settle into a routine again. Fingers crossed, I really could do with a good night’s sleep.

Nausea still strong, weather terrible today too so Lord knows what I’m going to do to try and distract myself enough to not wallow in it. Plus DS is going to go nuts if he’d doesn’t do something constructive. I feel a shopping trip coming on.

It really hit home to me this morning (why today? I have no idea) that this is my 6th pregnancy. 6 times I’ve been here now and only once has ended positively. 6 times I’ve hoped and dreamed and only once have they been fulfilled. In an alternative universe I am the mother of five with my sixth on the way, that’s a rather mental thought. In reality I’m sat here fretting that I’m setting my body and mind up for yet another fall. IF this doesn’t work out how I’m praying it will, how many more times can I put myself through this? How many more times can my body and mind take this? And how much time have I got left to try? I’m 43 now and it’s taken us over a year to conceive each time. I promised I’d give myself up at 45 but my need for a second baby is so great that will I willingly let that be the end if this doesn’t go to plan? Is it fair on the child to keep trying past this age?

In an ideal world I would have had my first when I first fell pregnant at 35 and had three by the time I was 40. As life had it I had my DS at 40 so changed my plan to just two children, I naïvely wasn’t expecting to fall victim to more miscarriages after DS, I thought that the universe had finished dishing out it’s cruel fate to me but I was wrong. I just don’t want him to be my only, I don’t want him to be on his own. Chances are that myself and OH will shuffle off this mortal coil far earlier than the parents of his peers and when he is still relatively young. My mum died when I was 35 and I felt too young to lose her and be on my own, thankfully I had my brothers. They were my rock. They are the only people on the planet who were experiencing the same pain and feelings as me, the only ones that missed her the way I did and that’s comforting at such a dreadful time. I want this for DS. I don’t want him to go through that on his own. I want him to always have the back up a sibling provides. I want this so dreadfully for him that I’m actually feeling frantic at the moment. 

Constipation was terrible today and every since I managed to go I’ve had cramps. The anxiety is never ending. I try, I really try to to remain positive but it’s so hard when you have no way of knowing for sure that things are ok.

I want this so much. I’m so bloody scared right now. 

17 days until the scan.

208 days to go.

Time seems to be dragging so much.

10 Weeks + 1

Bit late getting this one up, I actually totally forgot I hadn’t written it, it’s been such a busy day. Blame baby brain, it’s a real thing. In fact I haven’t got it back since the birth of my DS.

Sickness is still fairly strong so thankfully I’m not panicking too much though I am a little concerned on how it is making me eat EVERYTHING!!!! Honestly, 2 hours after the biggest carvery (which was a huge success given there were two toddlers and a baby in the mix, AND OH behaved and was fairly good at socialising for once) I was eating crumpets in the hope it would sate the nausea.

My friend pointed out today that if I want to keep this secret for the next three weeks I’m definitely going to have to watch what I wear. Thankfully the weather is certainly turning autumnal so I can hopefully put my skinny tees away (despite having just got them out after over three years lol) and cover up with coats and woolly jumpers. I can seriously do without a freak heat wave, that’s for sure. 

18 days until the scan.

209 days to go.

10 Weeks

We’ve got this far, 2 weeks (though in my case nearly 3) from the scan, you’d think I’d start to relax a little but this isn’t new, in fact we’ve got this far all 5 times. This really is the danger week I’ve only got past week 10 twice and once was with DS. I’m going to be diligently analysing all my symptoms, obsessing probably more like, throughout this week as all (barring DS, of course) of my babies have stopped growing by the end of this week (whether my body had realised it yet, or not).

I’m not going to lie, I’m scared, I’m really scared. I’m terrified in fact, probably because I’ve been allowing myself to hope and probably because I’m beginning to wonder how much more time I have to have another baby. This is just so important to me and I’m freaking out.

I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about the house, my friend who miscarried but mainly my friend’s new baby and my current situation. I’m so excited and pleased when someone has a baby (especially someone this close to us) but I’m embarrassed to say I’m also struck by jealousy too, and I hate that!  

As time goes on I start to get excited, I can’t help but make plans for the future, including this baby into them. Then I’m terrified that by me doing this, by me getting hopefully and creating this future in my head, I’m somehow going to cause another miscarriage. Like the universe is going to punish me for having a dream. It’s hard not to be negative, I do try but it’s so hard.

I think about the people who smoke, drink and do drugs throughout pregnancies and sail through without a hitch and I want to scream at them. I think about the people that bring child after child into this world without a thought for them as they end up, one by one going into care and having the worst start to a life. About those sick, vile excuses for human beings that bring children into this world only to abuse and/or kill them and I think, ‘why them and not me?’ Why do they manage to go through problem free pregnancies when they don’t even give two shits about the beautiful being that is growing inside them. I’m not ashamed to say I’d see these people hang if it were up to me. 

Then I think about the people that yearn for a child and never get to have one of their own and I feel eternally grateful for my DS but then it doesn’t make my yearning for a second any less hoped for nor deserved.

Right this minute I really wish we had the money to have a private scan, just for peace of mind.

The baby:

Photo credit: Babycentre

It’s incredible to think that despite only being the size of a kumquat (just over an inch long) that all baby’s vital organs are functioning now. The heart is very nearly fully formed and the liver is making red blood cells to replace the yolk sac, baby is also swallowing and kicking. Finger nails are forming on individual, unwebbed fingers and toes, and all it’s limbs bend now. The baby is now classed a foetus, we are now entering the foetal stage.

Me:

Apparently my uterus is the size of a grapefruit. My tummy is definitely pronounced now though I’ll still doubt that it isn’t all entirely due to food. 

My boobs are still incredibly sore and getting bigger.

Sickness is waning (I think) which has panicked me a little today as I read on one of my pregnancy apps that this week it’s likely to be at it’s worse so forgive my freaking out, if that isn’t the case. However, it is still there, niggling away at me and making me feed it at any given opportunity. Went blackberry picking this week so have cooked them down and I’m going to mix it in with 0% Natural Yogurt and I’m going to make my own (healthier) frozen yogurt lollies. I’ll let you know how that pans out 😄

Still feeling light headed a lot of the time which makes getting ‘out and about’ not only uncomfortable but I’m constantly worrying I’m going to make a tit out of myself.

Constipation is still an issue but really need to stay on top of the Lactulose… Three bean and lentil chilli tonight so thinking I might not need it right now.

Peeing for England. That’s all I need to say about that one. Went to a local art exhibition this evening, in half an hour I visited the Outhouse 5 times!!!!!!

19 days until the scan.

210 days to go.

9 Weeks + 6

Mildly better night last night with DS only waking once and finally starting the day at 5.45. Me, however? Incredible sore back and lower abdominal region, judging by my inability to poo this morning I’m putting it down to constipation and promising myself not to miss my Lactulose again (how many times have I said this now?).

Period like pains continued throughout the morning and also suffered the most horrific sugar crash only 2 hours after breakfast meaning I had to be naughty in a cafe with the consumption of a cheese scone to stop myself from fainting. Horrible feeling especially with a 2 year old who insisted on being carried half a mile to get to said cafe.

Had a meeting with site manager at new house. Been told we won’t be in until Spring now, fricking marvellous timing should this all pan out right, thankfully we have a full moving and packing package rolled into the deal because I don’t much fancy doing all of that whilst heavy with child. In other news it’s kind of got me a little excited about the new house, now need to choose all the finer details.

Saw the mum of my friend who miscarried last week and had a long chat with her. She’s up and down, bless her, but doing ok. Although her mum did say those awful words that make me reel; “Well at least they know they can get pregnant”. Why do people think this is an acceptable thing to say to someone who has lost a baby? Especially a mother to her daughter. I know it’s ignorance, not malice that is behind it but why don’t people think. No one needs platitudes, just offer a little empathy. 

On a much much more positive note… fantastic news from my mummy camp, my friend gave birth to a healthy baby girl this evening, 2 hours after her telling us that nothing would be happening tonight due to a busy labour ward (she was induced), the ward has been busy for 2 days bless her so really pleased that she gets to come home tomorrow so she can see her son.

Makes me feel very excited for this pregnancy and also absolutely terrified that it might not pan out. I’m not sure I could deal with another loss and the grief and disappointment that it would bring. I so want this to proceed, if only hope and want was enough to make things have a happy outcome. 

Please, let it be.

20 days until the scan.

211 days to go.

9 Weeks + 5

My tummy seems ridiculously immense. I’m actually bigger at 9 weeks than I was at 16 with my DS. Not sure how long I’ll be able to disguise it especially as everyone knows how much weight I’ve lost lately. Ho well, will cross that bridge when/if I come to it.

Feeling VERY heavy today in the lower abdominal region but atleast no cramping. Diligently still checking for blood everytime I go to the toilet and occasionally cursing the cream coloured toilet paper. Note to self: buy white!

DS was awake at 4.30 this morning so today has been very long. On a positive note, I had a cleaning frenzy and got all the housework done before the sickness set in bringing with it the “I can’t be arsed” attitude. I felt empowered… for about two hours.Have done lots today so my mind was largely taken off the sickness, which only niggled in the back of my mind until I got home and then it hit like a train as soon as OH mentioned what was for tea. I swear I could murder him when he asks that bloody question, it is my most loathed question and the first thing he says when he walks in the door, if he hasn’t already text/FB messaged it several times during the sodding day. I want to scream at him every bloody day when he asks. Moods: Yup, still swinging wildly 😉

I have managed a day of healthy, SW on-plan, meals today which I feel great about. Am slowly introducing veg into my meals now but salad is still a long way off. Looking for quark at Sainsbury’s I saw my favourite cottage cheese, the violent urge to vomit as soon as I saw it was insane! Still finding these food foibles incredibly weird, having never experienced them before.

As probably already gathered, OH back from business. Let’s hope we remain on good terms for the rest of the evening and he doesn’t ask too many effing questions.

21 days until the scan.

212 days to go.

Seems like a light year away from peace of mind.

9 Weeks + 4 

In quite a bit of discomfort this evening. Extremely crampy which of course equals extreme panic. I’m pretty sure (bloody well hoping) it’s all to do with my bowel rather than anything sinister as I still haven’t got them regulated yet. If I remember rightly I was dogged with this problem all the way through with DS but regular Lactulose consumption did keep things on a regular and even keel. It’s either that or just my uterus expanding, have noticed today my tummy is definitely popping, even my friend mentioned it today so will probably have to get my baggy jumpers out soon so as to not give the game away.

Have felt really odd today, quite woozy and keep sugar crashing meaning I’ve felt insanely weird; shakes, sweats, faint, you name it. 

It’s also just occurred to me today that my sickness is largely triggered by my consumption of fluids meaning I’m really not drinking enough for fear of feeling rough. I have been forcing myself to drink today, I get incredibly grumpy when I’m thirsty and I’m sure it’s probably why I’m feeling so woozy.

Watching Great British Bake Off with the cravings I have is just plain torture. Pastry week, PASTRIES!!!! I could seriously cry having forced a Slimming World syn free supper down my gagging throat whilst watching delicious Danish pastries being cooked on TV… Gah!!

22 days until the scan.

213 days to go.

Time is dragging.

9 Weeks + 3

What a start to the day!

Left DS in bed with OH to go to the toilet, massive thud. OH had fallen asleep and DS fell out of bed! No real injuries, despite having the highest bed in the world, just lots of tears and blaming…. me! ME! Apparently I’d taken too long so OH had fallen asleep. I really wonder sometimes!!!

Anyway, less of the relationship woes. Back to the pregnancy ones. Have had an ok today, nausea not as bad… Still present, but not as debilitating. May be that I was busy all day so took my mind off it somewhat but either way, a better day for DS and myself. 

Hoping this means I’ll be able to get back to exercising. I am really missing running but have a pre-natal fitness and yoga DVD that I did throughout DS pregnancy which I want to get stuck into again.

Boobs still incredibly sore and tiredness still as extreme. These latter two symptoms have eased my anxiety over the lessening of the first. 

Was surrounded by babies today (and established pregnants), more crucially, second child babies. I very nearly broke down at one point and ended up having to retreat from the playgroup just before the ‘cool down’ sing song to  enable myself to preserve my dignity. I’m putting it purely down to hormones as its never bothered me to that extreme before.

Gah to first trimesters!!!!

23 days until the scan.

214 days to go.